trapped.

10:36

okay,
so i passed out two days ago at the gym and the gym people fed me juice and called for my mom to come pick me up. she kept asking if i ate enough and what i ate before i went down there, and at the same time she kept saying "it COULD be that you are just eating way to little, but i don't know". she kept accusing me and then kinda taking it back like she didn't want me to think was she was thinking: "you're having an eating disorder, aren't you?".
i was still kind of paralyzed and just answered in i-don't-know-grunts. i told her it might be exam stress. i thought she was buying it, but at home she made me eat a thick slice of bread with an enormous layer of butter and a bit of salt on it while she watched me. eww...

later in the evening when i felt better my sister came home to visit us. i was still on the couch, drinking loads of water and flipping through magazines, not trying to walk around too much. my mom apparently told her what happened, because she totally jumped on me and said that i should eat! she's always on me for eating too little. i think she's a bit jealous to be honest. she has an enormous appetite and then she feels guilty when she compared what the two of us eats.

big surprise: i didn't make the model audition thing and now i'm being watched wherever i go.
crap, crap, crap. i need help.

detox diet day 12.

18:10

i've been doing ok, but yesterday something weird happened. i was riding my bike on the way to the gym, when i passed by a health store. everything from there is a blur. i got off the bike and came out of the shop later with 300g biscuits and rice biscotti (both dairy-, wheat- and sugar free) and a bottle of juice. in some sort of trance, i started munching the biscuits, even when i was back on the bike (!!) and i ate so many that i felt some of the chewed up biscuit mass clinging stickily to the back of my teeth. i went into the bathroom of the gym where i ate half the bag of rice biscotti and started drinking the juice. half way through the bottle i realized what i was doing. i stopped. i screwed the lid of the juice bottle back on and sat down on the floor, back against the wall, staring at the toilet in front of me. i felt like throwing up, but i didn't. i packed all the food down in my bag again, changed clothes and went down for my dance class. in a weird way i was surprised how skinny i looked in the wall-to-wall mirror as we moved to the music. what did i think, that i was going to gain weight the instant i binged? luckily, i binged on detox-friendly products, but it makes me sick how much i actually ate. when i was still stuffing myself with the crackers, i thought about buying a big jar of hazelnut butter to put on them thus making them taste more chocolatey. eww.. i loathe myself!

i thought about making the next week a liquid fast to make up for/punish myself for excess food eaten. but i don't know if i can do it. argh! any ideas?
she started exercising a lot as well. i was still skinnier than her last time we met, but the thought of her being better than me makes me sick. so i started running again. it is going pretty good.
the dinner thing with her went great. i managed to steer clear of no-no food and drink, such as wine and cake.


today is bad. so i'm cleaning up to keep active and keep my hands out of the fridge. i'm still following my detox diet, but i'm eating too much. i'm so close. i don't want to fuck it all up. help?

if i binge i will be fat - fat - fat! i already feel like this:

i'm crashing.

09:15
crap.

i binged yesterday. because of a stupid family dinner! really, i went all the way over the edge;
a lot of meat, (oily!!) potatoes and carrots, wine, gravy, ice cream and fruit for dessert, then later
cheese, grapes and honey. and i can't make myself throw up. aarggh!! it felt horrible. i'm such a failure. today i will not eat anything fatty. i will drink coffee, water and tea, and perhaps eat some celery sticks and grapes.

thinspo of the day: tomboy agyness deyn!