detox diet day 12.

18:10

i've been doing ok, but yesterday something weird happened. i was riding my bike on the way to the gym, when i passed by a health store. everything from there is a blur. i got off the bike and came out of the shop later with 300g biscuits and rice biscotti (both dairy-, wheat- and sugar free) and a bottle of juice. in some sort of trance, i started munching the biscuits, even when i was back on the bike (!!) and i ate so many that i felt some of the chewed up biscuit mass clinging stickily to the back of my teeth. i went into the bathroom of the gym where i ate half the bag of rice biscotti and started drinking the juice. half way through the bottle i realized what i was doing. i stopped. i screwed the lid of the juice bottle back on and sat down on the floor, back against the wall, staring at the toilet in front of me. i felt like throwing up, but i didn't. i packed all the food down in my bag again, changed clothes and went down for my dance class. in a weird way i was surprised how skinny i looked in the wall-to-wall mirror as we moved to the music. what did i think, that i was going to gain weight the instant i binged? luckily, i binged on detox-friendly products, but it makes me sick how much i actually ate. when i was still stuffing myself with the crackers, i thought about buying a big jar of hazelnut butter to put on them thus making them taste more chocolatey. eww.. i loathe myself!

i thought about making the next week a liquid fast to make up for/punish myself for excess food eaten. but i don't know if i can do it. argh! any ideas?
she started exercising a lot as well. i was still skinnier than her last time we met, but the thought of her being better than me makes me sick. so i started running again. it is going pretty good.
the dinner thing with her went great. i managed to steer clear of no-no food and drink, such as wine and cake.


today is bad. so i'm cleaning up to keep active and keep my hands out of the fridge. i'm still following my detox diet, but i'm eating too much. i'm so close. i don't want to fuck it all up. help?

if i binge i will be fat - fat - fat! i already feel like this:

detox diet day 4.

08:14
so far i'm absolutely ruling this diet. yesterday i went to the gym and before i biked home i stopped in at my favorite health store and bought some instant miso soup (about 40kcal per sachet), applesauce made of 100% apple, almond tea and soy whipped cream. i ate one sachet of miso soup for dinner and made myself a dessert of 50g applesauce and a bit of soy whipped cream topped with vanilla powder, cinnamon and 5 chopped almonds. yum. pure apple pie taste. i was also able to resist when my mom suddenly started making cheesecake yesterday. it looked delicious. with ground lemon peel in the cheese cream and berries on top. but i just sipped my almond tea and looked the other way. sometimes i find it helps to think of the food's way through the body if you want something that looks and smells great. how a beautiful little cake so quickly is smooshed around in the mouth, mixing with spit, sticking to the teeth. how the cake glides as a slimy ball to your stomach, how it's festering in the bowels, how it's turning into fat on your body and how it finally dumps out the other end. disgusting! it's an instant appetite-killer.

i've been wanting to try the whole counting calories thing. weighing everything before you eat it and calculating it has to be time consuming and appetite suppressing. here is what i plan on eating for today:

breakfast:
- water (0 kcal)
- 50g wheat free müsli (175 kcal) with
- 100g soy milk (35 kcal)

total: 210kcal.

lunch:
- water (0 kcal)
salad of
- 130g carrot (50,7 kcal)
- 140g apple (71,4 kcal)
- 35g celery(8,5 kcal)
- 115g lettuce (18,4 kcal)

total: 149 kcal.

dinner:
- water (o kcal)
- 100g home made falafel (316 kcal)
- seaweed salad (?)

total: 316-something kcal.

snacks:
- herbal teas (o kcal)
- a small banana from the gym (about 100 kcal) - but only if needed

total: 10o kcal.


total calorie intake for today = 775 kcal at the most.



this is great ! it makes it easier to stick to the what-to-eat-today-plan. i'm going to work out today as well. bike to the gym, have dance class and maybe pilates and bike home. i don't know how many calories that burns, but hopefully a lot if i exaggerate my movements and keep active.

here is some cute avoiding sweets thinspo ^^:

oishi.

21:35
- 1 cup of coffee
- 1 scrambled egg
- freshly squeezed orange juice
- half a banana
- water
- green tea ice tea from the asian shop
- 3 pieces of ginger candy from the asian shop (oh, i love ginger candies! they're quite strong but they don't burn the mouth. sadly they contain sugar /: that's why i didn't eat the whole box. but they're chewy and delicious and definetely healthier than synthetic candy!)
- 1 raw organic food bar (but split it w. boyfriend)
- vitamins
- small salad for dinner

today is nice. i'm very happy. my american apparel longjohns got delivered this afternoon and i don't ever wanna take them off! they're so comfy and sexy. am definetely going to wear them for school tomorrow, paired with ankle boots, a big scarf and my leather jacket. i also bought this month's issue of i-D mazagine, which i absolutely adore because of all the fashion and amazing photographs. it's great thinspo, by the way. i almost pulled the carrie bradshaw "sometimes i would buy vogue in stead of dinner. i just felt it fed me more".
unfortunately this issue was a men's issue, but they had an interview and a 13-page spread w. my favorite female model, freja beha. she's half naked in the photos, which really show off her perfect, skinny figure. although she has a little too many tattoos for my taste.

i also signed up for more classes at my gym + went running (but for very short bit. anyway it's okay, because my muscles are still sore from the gym yesterday. all of it! my legs, my bum, my inner thighs, my upper chest, my arms + my back. i absolutely rule!). tomorrow i have dance class at the gym. i convinced sofie to go with me so we could get in shape and laugh at ourselves and the overly energetic gym instructors. i love sofie. she is one of my good friends and i used to hang out with her back when i was at my skinniest state. she never mentioned it and we always had fun. she is such a good friend. the only problem is being stuck in food situations with her, like dinner at her place. she loves fatty foods, ice cream and candy, and her family often order in pizza or mcdonald's if they're too tired to cook. it is so dangerous for me. last time i saw her, i pulled it out somehow. we were watching a movie and opened a very big bag of mixed candy. i sat on the floor and she was on the bed behind me. every time i grabbed a handful of licorice or gummy-stuff i would chew it, be careful not to swallow it and secretly spit it out into my closed fist. i chewed and spitting until my hand was entirely full of a sticky, sweet-smelling, multicoloured paste. then i 'went to the bathroom', threw it in the toilet and washed my hands until the stickyness was gone. it was s0 disgusting and i felt awful doing it with sofie in the room, but on the other hand i was glad i didn't put all that sugar and artificial colouring in my body.
chewing and spitting works for me, because i get to taste foods i really love, like licorice, but without making them fill me up. sometimes i also ask my food what it can do for my body. if it can do no good (besides the obvious pleasure of the moment it's in the mouth), i avoid it. that's a good strategy.
a moment on the lips, forever on the hips.


today i want to do it a little differently: reverse thinspo! what i really, really d o n ' t want to become, ever and why i worry about my body and what i put inside it: