bad news, good news.

17:54

recently, i've been having disturbances with my eyes. my vision has gotten a lot blurrier, i'm seeing spots, i've become extremely sensitive to daylight and i often have the a feeling like my eyes are coated with a thin layer of see-through fabric. and i know it's not a you-need-glasses-thing. it's an ana thing.

i have very low blood pressure, so passing out is unfortunately fairly easy for me, even on a full stomach. so when i starve myself, it gets a lot worse. and because of this eye-matter and my recent collapses while working out, i've decided i need to eat a little more. i'm not going to eat huge meals, i just put in a bit more protein in my diet. like an egg(white). i think it'll help, even though it sucks a bit to be forced to eat more because my crappy body craps out on me. that's the bad news.

the good news is:
i've dropped two pant sizes since january and i thought i'd have a wee jeans thinspo celebration:

trapped.

10:36

okay,
so i passed out two days ago at the gym and the gym people fed me juice and called for my mom to come pick me up. she kept asking if i ate enough and what i ate before i went down there, and at the same time she kept saying "it COULD be that you are just eating way to little, but i don't know". she kept accusing me and then kinda taking it back like she didn't want me to think was she was thinking: "you're having an eating disorder, aren't you?".
i was still kind of paralyzed and just answered in i-don't-know-grunts. i told her it might be exam stress. i thought she was buying it, but at home she made me eat a thick slice of bread with an enormous layer of butter and a bit of salt on it while she watched me. eww...

later in the evening when i felt better my sister came home to visit us. i was still on the couch, drinking loads of water and flipping through magazines, not trying to walk around too much. my mom apparently told her what happened, because she totally jumped on me and said that i should eat! she's always on me for eating too little. i think she's a bit jealous to be honest. she has an enormous appetite and then she feels guilty when she compared what the two of us eats.

big surprise: i didn't make the model audition thing and now i'm being watched wherever i go.
crap, crap, crap. i need help.

orthorexia nervosa.

15:37

am doing good so far, but dreading tonight's dinner at my bf's place (they have a thing for potatoes, gravy, candy & such, since his whole family never ever puts on weight and can eat whatever they want):

- water
- half a cup of müsli mixed to porridge w. boiling water
- 1 celery stick
- half a carrot
- some grapes
- half a banana
- 1 plum
- 1 small bag of apple chips (my new love: sweet and tasty w. absolutely no fat! it's just plain dried fuji apples)
- 1 egg
- a few cups of coffee

any ideas on how to avoid eating at dinner tonight? :/

i have started eating a little more (but mostly veggies) because almost passed out at the gym last saturday. it was during my boxing class. i hadn't eaten as much breakfast as i should and before the class i ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. me and my boxing partner were practicing jabs and uppercuts, laughing and having a good time and suddenly i felt weak and dizzy, i couldn't focus my eyes and at one point i couldn't see anything. so i stopped. i sat down, drank water and breathed in very deep. the fitness instructor gave me a banana and ordered me to eat it immediately. and i did. afterwards i got dressed and bought a sugarfree berry-protein smoothie at juicestop. that was nice. i don't think boxing is for me.

i recently found out that i apparently 'suffer from orthorexia' besides my ana-tendencies. i don't think i'm suffering, i just think a lot about what i eat in general. i also try to buy organic stuff. i'm not sure if it's a real diagnose like other eating disorders, but i don't feel like it's a disease for me, in my case it's more of a lifestyle.
i do obsess. about eating healthy and small amounts. but i obsess about a lot of things.

thinspo of the day? pj harvey: