little human.

they have no self discipline, no will power.
whipped cream cakes, gingerbread, giant beefsteaks.
i can resist.
they are not going to make me give in.
they are not going to beat me.
my mother puts up with everything.
i'm not going to put up with anything.
they are trying to tempt me with their poison.
there is poison in all the food, poison.
i will become infected if i eat it.
they are not going to stuff me.
i refuse to become fat and disgusting.
(...)
everyone is swelling up around me.
being fat is repulsive.
and their tits look like bloated balloons.
i will stay clean.
(...)
i can deal with anything.
i can control it all.
they are trying to feed me their bait.
but they can't tempt me.
i can withstand hunger and chill.
i am the strongest person in the world.
i don't cry. i'm not weak.
(...)
i'm thinner than the boys at my school.
thin is pure.
i am pure.
i'm not filthy like the others.
and i will never get filthy.
i am a sexless being.
sometimes it is hard.
but i don't complain.
it can be almost too hard.
but i still don't complain.
i refuse to be as feeble and spineless as them.
i refuse to whine like them.
i refuse to grow up, to become swollen.
refuse to become fat and whiny like a pig.
i am the strongest person in the entire world.


from little human by charlotte strandgaard.

trapped.

10:36

okay,
so i passed out two days ago at the gym and the gym people fed me juice and called for my mom to come pick me up. she kept asking if i ate enough and what i ate before i went down there, and at the same time she kept saying "it COULD be that you are just eating way to little, but i don't know". she kept accusing me and then kinda taking it back like she didn't want me to think was she was thinking: "you're having an eating disorder, aren't you?".
i was still kind of paralyzed and just answered in i-don't-know-grunts. i told her it might be exam stress. i thought she was buying it, but at home she made me eat a thick slice of bread with an enormous layer of butter and a bit of salt on it while she watched me. eww...

later in the evening when i felt better my sister came home to visit us. i was still on the couch, drinking loads of water and flipping through magazines, not trying to walk around too much. my mom apparently told her what happened, because she totally jumped on me and said that i should eat! she's always on me for eating too little. i think she's a bit jealous to be honest. she has an enormous appetite and then she feels guilty when she compared what the two of us eats.

big surprise: i didn't make the model audition thing and now i'm being watched wherever i go.
crap, crap, crap. i need help.

the red bracelet.

13:13 (make a wish!)

so far:
- coffee
- water
- small cup of yoghurt w. a few raisins + almonds
- raw organic food protein bar
- banana
+ plan on eating some carrots

my competition is getting tougher. the girl i'm secretly competing against has taken up not eating sugar.
i accidentally gave her tips, saying alcohol was made of sugar and that the bugles she were munching probably had sugar in them as well. i - am - so - stupid! this better motivate me. i'm going running later. i keep telling myself i'm better than her and it kinda helps. my strategy is: eat veggies mostly, cut down on everything else, absolutely no sugar, but healthy snacks if needed.. such as apple chips!


i don't have a red bracelet yet, but am working on it. it has to be simple and not too noticeable. and i don't wanna do the whole red t-shirt every monday thing. yesterday at work, i tried to secretly observe one of my colleagues. she is quite thin, especially her face. she has that greyish skin color people can get when they don't eat, and i've never seen her throw herself over toasts, sausage, white bread and the rest of the horrible fatty foods they serve us for lunch. i chew & spit it sometimes. but it's become too disgusting, and it's very hard to hide with a bunch of people in your face all the time. so i started bringing my own food and tea. and then i eat fruit. i tried to spot if she had a red bracelet on, but i couldn't see it. i feel like talking to her. i'm almost sure she is anorexic og orthorexic. her teeth sticks out in a way that almost allows you to see the shape of her skull before you, her cheeks are a bit sunken, she brings her own food, usually rice crackers, fruit or veggies. and she chews every bite thoroughly. i want to talk to her.

thinspo of the day: gemma ward!