detox diet day 12.

18:10

i've been doing ok, but yesterday something weird happened. i was riding my bike on the way to the gym, when i passed by a health store. everything from there is a blur. i got off the bike and came out of the shop later with 300g biscuits and rice biscotti (both dairy-, wheat- and sugar free) and a bottle of juice. in some sort of trance, i started munching the biscuits, even when i was back on the bike (!!) and i ate so many that i felt some of the chewed up biscuit mass clinging stickily to the back of my teeth. i went into the bathroom of the gym where i ate half the bag of rice biscotti and started drinking the juice. half way through the bottle i realized what i was doing. i stopped. i screwed the lid of the juice bottle back on and sat down on the floor, back against the wall, staring at the toilet in front of me. i felt like throwing up, but i didn't. i packed all the food down in my bag again, changed clothes and went down for my dance class. in a weird way i was surprised how skinny i looked in the wall-to-wall mirror as we moved to the music. what did i think, that i was going to gain weight the instant i binged? luckily, i binged on detox-friendly products, but it makes me sick how much i actually ate. when i was still stuffing myself with the crackers, i thought about buying a big jar of hazelnut butter to put on them thus making them taste more chocolatey. eww.. i loathe myself!

i thought about making the next week a liquid fast to make up for/punish myself for excess food eaten. but i don't know if i can do it. argh! any ideas?
she started exercising a lot as well. i was still skinnier than her last time we met, but the thought of her being better than me makes me sick. so i started running again. it is going pretty good.
the dinner thing with her went great. i managed to steer clear of no-no food and drink, such as wine and cake.


today is bad. so i'm cleaning up to keep active and keep my hands out of the fridge. i'm still following my detox diet, but i'm eating too much. i'm so close. i don't want to fuck it all up. help?

if i binge i will be fat - fat - fat! i already feel like this:

chubby.

if you're chubby and you hate it, clap your hands.
clap.
clap.

11:20
i just returned from berlin last night. it was fantastic. except that i put on weight. i don't know how much it actually is, but i feel huge. i love berlin, but they have too many unhealthy options when it comes to grabbing a quick bite; döner, currywurst (a thick, greasy sausage in ketchup-sauce w. a sprinkling of curry.. ewww), huge pretzels w. salt. plus, i went over there with my parents and it was very hard to hide it, so i let go: i ate what/when they ate. and nemesis was severe stomach pain, feeling bloated, greasy and very ugly. i beat my self up about it on the way home and i plan to start a detox diet soon. luckily, berlin have whole supermarkets with just organic and biodynamic foods, so i stacked up on tea, fruit, celery sticks, apple chips and stuff. mm.

i went running at 10:00 (excellent start!) this morning, took a cold shower afterwards, rubbed my self w. birch oil and then got dressed and prepared this breakfast:
- 1 egg fried in 1 tbs coconut oil (said to be good for metabolism)
- 1 big carrot cut in smaller sticks
- 1 orange cut into little pieces
- 1 thin slice of wholegrain bread (lightly toasted on the same pan as the egg in leftover oil) cut in two, w. a small amount of peanut butter on one piece, and fig spread on the other.
- grape juice diluted w. water

i spent about 45 minutes eating it, chewing carefully, dreaming about a skinnier self.
i simply won't allow myself to fuck this up.


today's thinspo is sasha grey:










she's not totally skinny, but has a nice figure.

i'm crashing.

09:15
crap.

i binged yesterday. because of a stupid family dinner! really, i went all the way over the edge;
a lot of meat, (oily!!) potatoes and carrots, wine, gravy, ice cream and fruit for dessert, then later
cheese, grapes and honey. and i can't make myself throw up. aarggh!! it felt horrible. i'm such a failure. today i will not eat anything fatty. i will drink coffee, water and tea, and perhaps eat some celery sticks and grapes.

thinspo of the day: tomboy agyness deyn!