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12:15
today is the first day since i've known about the red bracelet that i felt truly worthy of wearing it.
the weight is still going down, slowly, but steadily and i love it. i went to the library yesterday to pick up books on history to prepare for my final exam, but ended up in the weight loss-aisle. i took home about four history-relevant books and about 10 ones on weight loss, eating disorders and fictional stories about anorexic or food-focused girls. i feel like such a teen, but i love reading those books even though they're poorly written. they offer both tips and thinspiration to me, even though that probably wasn't the authors intention. hehe.
today i've only eaten cherries. and i don't plan on taking in anything other than water and world history facts for the rest of the day.
09:42
input:
- water, water, water
- green tea w. fresh mint herb
- slightly larger portion of faux chocolate mousse (am going to work out like there's no tomorrow)
today i'm supposed to be studying for my exam tomorrow, but i can't really sit still and focus on it. i have to walk around all the time or i'll get freaked out by gaining weight. the cleaning up my life is going well. yesterday i went to buy a lot of plants for my room. it always makes me happier when there's something green to look at. i wanted to get an orchid, but they were too friggin expensive, so i ended op buying lots of other stuff: a ginseng fig, an air cleaner, a coffee plant (yes!), ivy and a white rose with a raspberry-ish scent. mm.
has anyone had any experience with those skinny bitch books and workout dvds? i'm thinking of getting them for myself, i think the tough love attitude would work. none of that love-your-flabby-body-as-it-is-crap. i really need to get off my butt.
therefore, as mentioned in another post, i'm working on transfering a lot of thinspo-to-go (songs, pictures, videos) to my ipod and would be pleased if you'd share some of the thinspo that really works for you. i'd be so pleased and i can't really ask my bf to help me out, since he'll discover everything.
speaking of thinspo, there's an open casting for potential model wannabes in my town in two days. i don't feel very modelicious, but i would like to be. it could maybe be a good way of pushing myself if i decided to go. they'll probably tell me i'm too fat. maybe they would make me wanna give up on ana, make me go home and decide i'm too fat and always will be? or maybe i could build up will power enough in these two days to decide that this simply wouldn't happen. that i would be the skinniest bitch there. and i could always say no if they'd actually accept me, which might be a real thinspo and confidence boost.
hmm. open model casting in two days
- good idea or big mistake?
i'd sure like to actually be this in stead of just dreaming about it,
admiring it from a great distance:
10:32
so far:
- 1 apple cut in 8 pieces
- faux chocolate mousse (mush together: 1 banana, 1 tsp peanut butter, 1 tsp coconut oil, loads and loads of cinnamon, pure vanilla and a bit of cardamom)
- 2 pots of green tea
- water
i'm quite busy at the moment because of exams. i'm graduating the 23th of june and then school will no longer be a spanner in the works with the constant sitting on your butt reading, writing, listening.
i have to get a job, though. a full time one. i want it to be time-consuming and active, maybe i'll wait tables at a busy café or something.
being thin is not really happening, since i keep losing my control because of exam stress. raargrrghh! so now i need to get back on track. i'm making a schedule of everything: the food i eat, my exercise, projects, thoughts, subjects i'm studying for & such. i've also been making be own personal list of being thin vs. being fat. i'd love to hear some of your reasons to be thin. i'll also like to know what thinspo music you listen too? i want to make a thinspo playlist on my ipod and listen to it while i work out, sit in the bus or study for my exams.
today i'll:
- attend yoga class.
- go for a run.
- clean my room.
- avoid eating.- buy orchids for my room and other green plants.- throw out everything i don't need, like old maths notes, dust-gathering things and clothes i'll never wear again.
i want to detox my entire existence. i want to make my room a place i really want to be, a happy place where i can focus on me and my goals without being disturbed by other people. i'm thinking of painting my room in a light, airy colour. i want my room to be a place i feel powerful and beautiful. i want it to radiate ana to me.
no excess burdens.control.lightness.
purity.
beauty.
08:45
getting so close! today i got up at 07:00 and decided to skip my 08:00 design class to do a bit of moving around. then later i logged in to the school's webpage to see when i had to go up there to luckily discover that my history teacher is sick for the day. that means i don't have to be up there 'till 11:45 ! it also mean plenty of work out time.
today - before school - i plan to:
- run for at least 15-20 minutes.- upper chest work out (i hope to have at least a little cleavage in my dress on friday.- NYC ballet workout on DVD
i love the NYC ballet workout, but i can't do it with people watching. our DVD player is in the living room and everyone's always home. but now i'm all alone, i can stay somewhat empty and do my workouts in peace. yaay! i'm going to take a long shower and bike to school afterwards.
today, so far i've eaten 100g applesauce w. 1 tablespoon of oats, a bit of soy milk and a lot of cinnamon in it. i've been popping the pills and drinking water and green tea. for the rest of the day i plan on mostly drinking diluted juices, eating veggies and a frozen banana. i think i'll make soup with seaweed for dinner.
my bf asked me if i'm going to his place tonight, since he's sister is visiting (she lives in copenhagen and we rarely see her). i absolutely love his sister! she is so cool and fun to be with. and she never mentions my eating habits, though their family like very unhealthy food (at least according to my standards). i think she used to have eating troubles herself. anyway, i really want to see her, but i'm terrified of little bowls of colorful candy or plates of moist cake or crispy cookies. i think i will go after i've eaten my dinner. and then i'll bring a lot of tea and just say i'm not very hungry. i could c&s, but it's very hard to hide it. i actually think that my bf's mother once found some c&s'ed chocolate cake i'd hidden in a cup under my bf's bed, because i couldn't keep going to the bathroom. i really hope she didn't. at least she never mentioned it.
oh well. i have to get my workout started. so far i've just been sitting on my butt and moving hips and legs a bit to at least burn off a little bit. i must look absolutely ridiculous ^^.
i thought yesterday about what my main goal is. it's not a particular number on the scale, it's more of a wish to be remembered as 'that skinny girl' by my classmates and other people i meet. i'm graduating in a few months, so as far as the classmates i have to hurry up a bit.
before i go, here's some cutesy thinspo of sienna miller and keira knightley:
10:16
one week down, two more to go!
it's all going fine. i was at the movies yesterday and snuck in a rice cracker w. at thin layer of peanutbutter and honey. i sat in the dark, watching the movie, smelling other people's candy and especially the licorice, but i just cracked little bites of my rice cracker and chewed it carefully.
today i have to go to work. that means i have to eat a little more, since i'm going to stand up all day, lift heavy boxes and doing the same movements over and over. sighh.. i only work sundays, but it's a full work day. my job is to pack fruit into boxes for a company that ships 'em out to other companies, kindergartens and offices. luckily as part of our pay, we each get to pack our own box of fruits to take home. i mostly bring home bananas (for ice lollies), oranges (for freshly squeezed juice) and apples (for snacks), but sometimes they have more exotic stuff, like mangos. mm. i looove mangos. my father often drives me to work if he's home. lately we've been arrive out there a little early, driving to a safe distance, switching seats and then he lets me drive around a little. i don't have a driver's license yet, so this is just fun and practice. and illegal, by the way. so schhh..
i know, i know, i'm 19 years old and i don't have a driver's license, but that's pretty normal in denmark. you can only get it after you've turned 18. personally, i don't mind waiting a bit before i take mine. i'm a senior at the gymnasium, i still live at home and i don't have my own car. plus, my father uses his car every day driving back and forth, since he works at a seminarium in another town.i think i'll go work out a little before i leave. and pack a healthy lunch. and find my parka, 'cause it's friggin cold where we work.but, before i leave. thinspo! today it's REAL girls:
marie. we used to go crazy together.
mette. one of my friends.
ann. old internet-buddy. 
sarah, a girl at my school.
maja. one of the most beautiful girls i've ever known.
09:23
grmm.. overslept. am now eating breakfast of: eggs, smoked salmon + 2 melon slices.
i'm trying to make myself full early so i don't slip later in the afternoon. i plan on starting on a three-week-detox-thing. anyone want to join? it's hard to do it alone. it's three weeks of not eating wheat, dairy, red meat, sugar and chemicals in processed food. it's a really good diet when it comes to the results. i use it as a revenge diet to outshine other people. hm. that sounded a tad bitchy ^^. but seriously, it's all about choices. saying no thanks to unhealthy food is saying yes, please to being skinny. i must not forget.the diet is also a great test for one's will power and control, but it will be worth it all after the three weeks.beauty inside and out.
yesterday i c&s'ed for the first time in a long time. i decided to eat a slice of cake, then immediately changed my mind once i started chewing it. i spit it out, rolled it into some toilet paper and flushed it out. i'm a bit ashamed for wasting food my mother cooks. i know she would be angry if she knew. i feel disgusting when i do it, but afterwards i'm always relieved. i feel like i succeeded somehow.
oh, and i just bought the new york city ballet work-out dvd. i hope it will bring me closer to the body i want. and that i'm not too inflexible, of course. thinspo of the day: perfect body ballerinas!
it's so unfair..
if you're chubby and you hate it, clap your hands.
clap.
clap.
11:20
i just returned from berlin last night. it was fantastic. except that i put on weight. i don't know how much it actually is, but i feel huge. i love berlin, but they have too many unhealthy options when it comes to grabbing a quick bite; döner, currywurst (a thick, greasy sausage in ketchup-sauce w. a sprinkling of curry.. ewww), huge pretzels w. salt. plus, i went over there with my parents and it was very hard to hide it, so i let go: i ate what/when they ate. and nemesis was severe stomach pain, feeling bloated, greasy and very ugly. i beat my self up about it on the way home and i plan to start a detox diet soon. luckily, berlin have whole supermarkets with just organic and biodynamic foods, so i stacked up on tea, fruit, celery sticks, apple chips and stuff. mm.
i went running at 10:00 (excellent start!) this morning, took a cold shower afterwards, rubbed my self w. birch oil and then got dressed and prepared this breakfast:
- 1 egg fried in 1 tbs coconut oil (said to be good for metabolism)
- 1 big carrot cut in smaller sticks
- 1 orange cut into little pieces
- 1 thin slice of wholegrain bread (lightly toasted on the same pan as the egg in leftover oil) cut in two, w. a small amount of peanut butter on one piece, and fig spread on the other.
- grape juice diluted w. water
i spent about 45 minutes eating it, chewing carefully, dreaming about a skinnier self.
i simply won't allow myself to fuck this up.
today's thinspo is sasha grey:
she's not totally skinny, but has a nice figure.
11:31
- half a cup of coffee, couldn't finish.
- water.
- herbal tea.
- small cup yoghurt w. 1 tablespoon of brown rice.
- 'pancake' of 1 egg, 1 carrot and 1 beetroot.
- faux chocolate mousse of 1 banana, 1 tablespoon peanutbutter, a bit of cinnamon, pure vanilla and low-fat cocoa powder.
no school for me today. i'm home alone. my mom left me half a bun w. a thick layer of butter on it. i'm not gonna eat it. i'm gonna throw it out and leave a few crumbles on the plate, as if i ate it. yesterday i worked out a lot. and had pilates and dance class and biked to the gym and home. things are going well. am walking around in leggings and a white tank top, loving the flatness of my tummy. but i have a hard time losing weight on my hips and bum. i'm having a party in a week and i really want to outshine everyone.yesterday i visited her. she was sick and it seemed her 'banish sugar'-plan backfired; she had a little bowl of gummy bears, chewing gum and such on her table. i felt good. i didn't eat the food i was offered, i looked skinny and fresh faced. i just have to keep it up. i might as well work out while i'm home alone. no way am i gonna slack off all day and let the stuff i ate grow on my body. yuck. i will eat no more food today if i can escape it. veggies or salad (w. no dressing) are okay, though.
today i need real girl thinspo for motivation:
this girl has style, too! i would love a slightly similar shoulderbag, a chanel 2.55 if i had the money, to go with my bones.
13:13 (make a wish!)
so far:
- coffee
- water
- small cup of yoghurt w. a few raisins + almonds
- raw organic food protein bar
- banana
+ plan on eating some carrots
my competition is getting tougher. the girl i'm secretly competing against has taken up not eating sugar.
i accidentally gave her tips, saying alcohol was made of sugar and that the bugles she were munching probably had sugar in them as well. i - am - so - stupid! this better motivate me. i'm going running later. i keep telling myself i'm better than her and it kinda helps. my strategy is: eat veggies mostly, cut down on everything else, absolutely no sugar, but healthy snacks if needed.. such as apple chips!
i don't have a red bracelet yet, but am working on it. it has to be simple and not too noticeable. and i don't wanna do the whole red t-shirt every monday thing. yesterday at work, i tried to secretly observe one of my colleagues. she is quite thin, especially her face. she has that greyish skin color people can get when they don't eat, and i've never seen her throw herself over toasts, sausage, white bread and the rest of the horrible fatty foods they serve us for lunch. i chew & spit it sometimes. but it's become too disgusting, and it's very hard to hide with a bunch of people in your face all the time. so i started bringing my own food and tea. and then i eat fruit. i tried to spot if she had a red bracelet on, but i couldn't see it. i feel like talking to her. i'm almost sure she is anorexic og orthorexic. her teeth sticks out in a way that almost allows you to see the shape of her skull before you, her cheeks are a bit sunken, she brings her own food, usually rice crackers, fruit or veggies. and she chews every bite thoroughly. i want to talk to her.thinspo of the day: gemma ward!
13:39
- 2 cups of black coffee w. a little cinnamon.
- freshly squeezed orange juice.
- lots of water.
- 1 cup of green tea w. a slice of lemon.
- 1 cigarette.- salad of 1 small apple, 12 seedless grapes, small handful of spinach leaves, 6 slices of mango,
1 tablespoon of citrus-flavored omega3-oil poured over the fruits as dressing.
am doing great. christmas was almost ruining my plans, but i put a stop to it. this new year'sresolution will last beyond the buzz of champagne! i - will - be - skinny! and i plan to avoid
things and people standing in my way. i have a little secret competition going; i want to be
skinnier and prettier than her. luckily she has been gaining a lot of weight, but i know she's
trying to lose it even though she pretends to be all confident and happy with herself. she's not.
i went shopping yesterday. it was amazing. i bought 2 pairs of jeans (i never go shopping for jeans,
because it always gets depressing. i usually wear leggings), 1 polo shirt, 1 fancy shirt and 1
dress-like, size xs (but oversize..) boat neck sweat shirt. i was so happy. all the clothes fit me so
nicely. if i feel so good at this size, losing a little more weight must be even better.skinnyness is my drug!
how do i keep motivated? it helps me stay focused, when i secretly compete with someone.
and of course looking at people who embody my goal. right now it's danish model freja beha.
i'm in love with her:
her body and face is perfection.
