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19:19 (make a wish!)
my first day on the diet went pretty good. i'm also quite sure i rocked my 5 hour test.
today's input:
- 3 x 4 chlorella pills
- 1 vitamin pill
- water
- green tea concentrated powder
- 4 baby carrots
- 1 celery stick (but am getting awfully tired of the taste, gotta spice it up with something)
- very small amount of salad- 1 rice cracker
- 1½ piece of wholegrain bread with peanut butter
- 75g of apple chips
am now preparing dinner: a bit of fish and steamed veggies. + lots of water. i plan on going running after dinner and book more classes at the gym. oh, and today i found my red bracelet. how great is this?:
it's red, braided leather and i love that it has a heart near the lock. like the love for ana is too strong to give up on. or something :) what do you think?
i wanted to post a picture of my body today and continue doing it for the next blog to follow my development, but i feel really flabby and bloated. maybe i'll do it tomorrow.
09:45
hi y'all. sorry for not posting as often as i should, but at the moment i'm being consumed by an exam assignment, that i have to write over the weekend. i can't focus. i keep thinking about food and my weight and i catch myself actually running to the mirror, grabbing my thighs and hips as if reminding me that eating will only make them bigger. maybe it's helping? food-wise, this has been a very good weekend. i've completely steered clear of sugar, e-numbers, red meat, unhealthy fat, milk and wheat.
right now i'm sipping water on the rocks, stretching my skinnier legs and wondering whether or not i should make breakfast. if the detox diet i've slowly started delivers some great results, i plan on strutting my non-existing stuff in these sexypants:
rauw!
i've become obsessed with japanese cooking in the past days and was happy that my friend decided to throw an all girl japanese party. we had a great time. i ate sushi, wasabi chickpeas, salad, a bit of chicken w. chili and lime and c&s'ed the post dinner brownie (not so japanese). my fortune cookie said: "no one can stop you!" and i smiled on the inside. afterwards we watched "my neighbor totoro" and "battle royale" (pretty good thinspo, actually. most japanese people are skinny and beautiful).
therefore, today's thinspo is japanese:
16:56
today i've only eaten: fruit, 2 bags (10g each) apple chips, 2 eggs and home-made fruit popsicles (i've become addicted. you cut of pieces of fruit, like kiwi or banana, put them on a stick and freeze 'em. ta-da! no artificial stuff, sugar or fat on my bones. plus, it takes longer time to eat frozen fruit than fresh fruit, so you don't get all the calories munched down at once). i've been drinking tap water, hot water w. lemon juice and green tea. i plan on eating a small bowl of hot thai soup for dinner (possibly diluted w. water) and get it over with quickly.
in a month i have to go to the senior year lanciers dance. horror of horrors. i plan on wearing: coral coloured dress from paul & joe sister, black pantyhose and black stilettos. i deliberately bought a dress that fits loose, i don't want to either look like a fat pig going to the prom or have people constantly commenting on possible skinnyness. i dread the dinner before the dancing and the amount of flash photographs being taken. i honestly don't photograph very well; i have no sense of where the cameras are and i don't know how to be 'on'. i always end up looking tired, pale and ugly. my smile looks like a funny face i'm making and if i try to fix it all with makeup, it just gets worse and looks very stiff and unnatural. ugh..fortunately, i always look better on camera being skinny. people can't deny that. it goes for models as well, curvy can be beautiful but bones and sucked-in cheeks simply photograph better. it looks more stoic and graceful. which is what i plan on being. how to look amazing in photographs? s t o p e a t i n g !
note: i'm not starving myself particularly for the senior lanciers, but for the future. i will be thin and gorgeous. any ideas on how to avoid eating with my entire class all around me?
i envy skinny people looking hot in no-retouch-polaroids. so that is my thinspo for today:
(notice that this girl is wearing a red bracelet ^^)
09:23
grmm.. overslept. am now eating breakfast of: eggs, smoked salmon + 2 melon slices.
i'm trying to make myself full early so i don't slip later in the afternoon. i plan on starting on a three-week-detox-thing. anyone want to join? it's hard to do it alone. it's three weeks of not eating wheat, dairy, red meat, sugar and chemicals in processed food. it's a really good diet when it comes to the results. i use it as a revenge diet to outshine other people. hm. that sounded a tad bitchy ^^. but seriously, it's all about choices. saying no thanks to unhealthy food is saying yes, please to being skinny. i must not forget.the diet is also a great test for one's will power and control, but it will be worth it all after the three weeks.beauty inside and out.
yesterday i c&s'ed for the first time in a long time. i decided to eat a slice of cake, then immediately changed my mind once i started chewing it. i spit it out, rolled it into some toilet paper and flushed it out. i'm a bit ashamed for wasting food my mother cooks. i know she would be angry if she knew. i feel disgusting when i do it, but afterwards i'm always relieved. i feel like i succeeded somehow.
oh, and i just bought the new york city ballet work-out dvd. i hope it will bring me closer to the body i want. and that i'm not too inflexible, of course. thinspo of the day: perfect body ballerinas!
it's so unfair..
15:01
my last fortune cookie said: "an action that required all your forces will pay." i took it as kind of a sign, and there is no way back now. ana will definitely pay off!
we have so many reasons to be skinny:
- we will be the envy of every girl.
- we will be ever so light and able to move effortlessly and gracefully.
- we will look like models, clothes will fit us better and our cheekbones will pop out.
- we will be walking proof of our control and our power of will.
- we will command the attention of every room we enter.
- we will individually be referred to as 'the skinny one'.
- we will be beautiful.
today i ate/drank a bowl of müsli, coffee, water and fruit. the skinny-mantras are helping already. tonight i'm going to visit her. and she won't be able to make me eat, i swear! ana is my secret weapon. i told my parents i'm eating at her place and i'll just tell her i'm eating at home.
i'm a genius. people are so easy.
11:31
- half a cup of coffee, couldn't finish.
- water.
- herbal tea.
- small cup yoghurt w. 1 tablespoon of brown rice.
- 'pancake' of 1 egg, 1 carrot and 1 beetroot.
- faux chocolate mousse of 1 banana, 1 tablespoon peanutbutter, a bit of cinnamon, pure vanilla and low-fat cocoa powder.
no school for me today. i'm home alone. my mom left me half a bun w. a thick layer of butter on it. i'm not gonna eat it. i'm gonna throw it out and leave a few crumbles on the plate, as if i ate it. yesterday i worked out a lot. and had pilates and dance class and biked to the gym and home. things are going well. am walking around in leggings and a white tank top, loving the flatness of my tummy. but i have a hard time losing weight on my hips and bum. i'm having a party in a week and i really want to outshine everyone.yesterday i visited her. she was sick and it seemed her 'banish sugar'-plan backfired; she had a little bowl of gummy bears, chewing gum and such on her table. i felt good. i didn't eat the food i was offered, i looked skinny and fresh faced. i just have to keep it up. i might as well work out while i'm home alone. no way am i gonna slack off all day and let the stuff i ate grow on my body. yuck. i will eat no more food today if i can escape it. veggies or salad (w. no dressing) are okay, though.
today i need real girl thinspo for motivation:
this girl has style, too! i would love a slightly similar shoulderbag, a chanel 2.55 if i had the money, to go with my bones.
13:13 (make a wish!)
so far:
- coffee
- water
- small cup of yoghurt w. a few raisins + almonds
- raw organic food protein bar
- banana
+ plan on eating some carrots
my competition is getting tougher. the girl i'm secretly competing against has taken up not eating sugar.
i accidentally gave her tips, saying alcohol was made of sugar and that the bugles she were munching probably had sugar in them as well. i - am - so - stupid! this better motivate me. i'm going running later. i keep telling myself i'm better than her and it kinda helps. my strategy is: eat veggies mostly, cut down on everything else, absolutely no sugar, but healthy snacks if needed.. such as apple chips!
i don't have a red bracelet yet, but am working on it. it has to be simple and not too noticeable. and i don't wanna do the whole red t-shirt every monday thing. yesterday at work, i tried to secretly observe one of my colleagues. she is quite thin, especially her face. she has that greyish skin color people can get when they don't eat, and i've never seen her throw herself over toasts, sausage, white bread and the rest of the horrible fatty foods they serve us for lunch. i chew & spit it sometimes. but it's become too disgusting, and it's very hard to hide with a bunch of people in your face all the time. so i started bringing my own food and tea. and then i eat fruit. i tried to spot if she had a red bracelet on, but i couldn't see it. i feel like talking to her. i'm almost sure she is anorexic og orthorexic. her teeth sticks out in a way that almost allows you to see the shape of her skull before you, her cheeks are a bit sunken, she brings her own food, usually rice crackers, fruit or veggies. and she chews every bite thoroughly. i want to talk to her.thinspo of the day: gemma ward!
09:19
today i plan on eating (the stuff i already ate/drank is italic):
breakfast:
- 6 dices of apple on top of small amount of müsli porridge (but didn't finish)
- hot water & lemon- a glass of water
mid-morning/lunch:
- 'active greens' raw organic food bar
- some grapes
- a few nuts/almonds
- 4 little carrots
- detox tea
- water
dinner (am going to helene from my class for her birthday dinner tonight. i hope it isn't pizza):
- hardly nothing of what's being served. i plan on eating mostly veggies.
i had insane tummy ache yesterday night. and it was still there this morning. i ate only a small amount of healthy food, i really had no appetite. it's about two hours since i ate breakfast and the pain have subsided a bit. i'm freaking out. i don't want to be sick. yesterday in dance class was fun, though. i saw a very skinny-looking girl who is my real life thinspo now. and there were a couple of fatties on the dance team.
i just felt strangely in the middle.
i just have to ask myself if i wanna look like a ballerina or a beanbag:
which would you rather be?
21:35
- 1 cup of coffee
- 1 scrambled egg
- freshly squeezed orange juice
- half a banana
- water
- green tea ice tea from the asian shop
- 3 pieces of ginger candy from the asian shop (oh, i love ginger candies! they're quite strong but they don't burn the mouth. sadly they contain sugar /: that's why i didn't eat the whole box. but they're chewy and delicious and definetely healthier than synthetic candy!)- 1 raw organic food bar (but split it w. boyfriend)
- vitamins
- small salad for dinnertoday is nice. i'm very happy. my american apparel longjohns got delivered this afternoon and i don't ever wanna take them off! they're so comfy and sexy. am definetely going to wear them for school tomorrow, paired with ankle boots, a big scarf and my leather jacket. i also bought this month's issue of i-D mazagine, which i absolutely adore because of all the fashion and amazing photographs. it's great thinspo, by the way. i almost pulled the carrie bradshaw "sometimes i would buy vogue in stead of dinner. i just felt it fed me more".
unfortunately this issue was a men's issue, but they had an interview and a 13-page spread w. my favorite female model, freja beha. she's half naked in the photos, which really show off her perfect, skinny figure. although she has a little too many tattoos for my taste.i also signed up for more classes at my gym + went running (but for very short bit. anyway it's okay, because my muscles are still sore from the gym yesterday. all of it! my legs, my bum, my inner thighs, my upper chest, my arms + my back. i absolutely rule!). tomorrow i have dance class at the gym. i convinced sofie to go with me so we could get in shape and laugh at ourselves and the overly energetic gym instructors. i love sofie. she is one of my good friends and i used to hang out with her back when i was at my skinniest state. she never mentioned it and we always had fun. she is such a good friend. the only problem is being stuck in food situations with her, like dinner at her place. she loves fatty foods, ice cream and candy, and her family often order in pizza or mcdonald's if they're too tired to cook. it is so dangerous for me. last time i saw her, i pulled it out somehow. we were watching a movie and opened a very big bag of mixed candy. i sat on the floor and she was on the bed behind me. every time i grabbed a handful of licorice or gummy-stuff i would chew it, be careful not to swallow it and secretly spit it out into my closed fist. i chewed and spitting until my hand was entirely full of a sticky, sweet-smelling, multicoloured paste. then i 'went to the bathroom', threw it in the toilet and washed my hands until the stickyness was gone. it was s0 disgusting and i felt awful doing it with sofie in the room, but on the other hand i was glad i didn't put all that sugar and artificial colouring in my body.chewing and spitting works for me, because i get to taste foods i really love, like licorice, but without making them fill me up. sometimes i also ask my food what it can do for my body. if it can do no good (besides the obvious pleasure of the moment it's in the mouth), i avoid it. that's a good strategy.
a moment on the lips, forever on the hips.
today i want to do it a little differently: reverse thinspo! what i really, really d o n ' t want to become, ever and why i worry about my body and what i put inside it:
10:49
- 1 small cup of plain yoghurt w. grinded flaxseeds.
- 3 prunes.
- small handful of raisins.
- 1 cup of red tea w. 2 slices of lemon
- 'pancake' of two egg whites, cinnamon and sweetener
- 2 rice cakes w. cheese
- 12 grapes
- a few slices of mango
(v. bad, i know, but am going to the gym later!)my exam tomorrow is stressing me out. my stomach is hurting.
i eat slowly, chew every bite thoroughly and sip tea in between the bites while watching 'green wing'. tonight one of my bf's buddies is having a birthday party. i'm not invited, 'cause i'm not that close with his friend, but she is. i know things probably won't happen and that he loves me, but i can't stand the thought of them being in the same room, being drunk, talking, even hugging each other to say hello/goodbye. this is infuriating. i hate being jealous. i think i'll just go work out and use my anger to really push myself.
on the bright side, i decided to throw a birthday afterall, but not one of those big dinners or all night drinking parties, none of that inviting people just because i should-crap. this time it's only my best friends. and we're going to the seaside to watch the sun rise, open up a bottle of champagne, then head back to my place for (healthy!) brunch, where i'll make sure not to eat all that much. i'm really looking forward to it! it's all very "marie antoinette" by sofia coppola, minus all the sugary pink cakes.
a new part of my obsession is: thighs + bum. i've always cared more about a flat tummy, but all of a sudden i feel my thighs swelling up whenever i eat or look at them. and i think i have a little cellulite. i'm not sure it's even that bad, but i obsess about it and bought this suction disc-thing and oil. it sounds absolutely ridiculous, but i wanna look my absolute best. therefore i need my thinspo! today it's victoria beckham:
would you look at those legs?
13:39
- 2 cups of black coffee w. a little cinnamon.
- freshly squeezed orange juice.
- lots of water.
- 1 cup of green tea w. a slice of lemon.
- 1 cigarette.- salad of 1 small apple, 12 seedless grapes, small handful of spinach leaves, 6 slices of mango,
1 tablespoon of citrus-flavored omega3-oil poured over the fruits as dressing.
am doing great. christmas was almost ruining my plans, but i put a stop to it. this new year'sresolution will last beyond the buzz of champagne! i - will - be - skinny! and i plan to avoid
things and people standing in my way. i have a little secret competition going; i want to be
skinnier and prettier than her. luckily she has been gaining a lot of weight, but i know she's
trying to lose it even though she pretends to be all confident and happy with herself. she's not.
i went shopping yesterday. it was amazing. i bought 2 pairs of jeans (i never go shopping for jeans,
because it always gets depressing. i usually wear leggings), 1 polo shirt, 1 fancy shirt and 1
dress-like, size xs (but oversize..) boat neck sweat shirt. i was so happy. all the clothes fit me so
nicely. if i feel so good at this size, losing a little more weight must be even better.skinnyness is my drug!
how do i keep motivated? it helps me stay focused, when i secretly compete with someone.
and of course looking at people who embody my goal. right now it's danish model freja beha.
i'm in love with her:
her body and face is perfection.
