schedule, schedule, schedule.

10:32

so far:
- 1 apple cut in 8 pieces
- faux chocolate mousse (mush together: 1 banana, 1 tsp peanut butter, 1 tsp coconut oil, loads and loads of cinnamon, pure vanilla and a bit of cardamom)
- 2 pots of green tea
- water

i'm quite busy at the moment because of exams. i'm graduating the 23th of june and then school will no longer be a spanner in the works with the constant sitting on your butt reading, writing, listening.
i have to get a job, though. a full time one. i want it to be time-consuming and active, maybe i'll wait tables at a busy café or something.


being thin is not really happening, since i keep losing my control because of exam stress. raargrrghh! so now i need to get back on track. i'm making a schedule of everything: the food i eat, my exercise, projects, thoughts, subjects i'm studying for & such. i've also been making be own personal list of being thin vs. being fat. i'd love to hear some of your reasons to be thin. i'll also like to know what thinspo music you listen too? i want to make a thinspo playlist on my ipod and listen to it while i work out, sit in the bus or study for my exams.


today i'll:
- attend yoga class.
- go for a run.
- clean my room.
- avoid eating.
- buy orchids for my room and other green plants.
- throw out everything i don't need, like old maths notes, dust-gathering things and clothes i'll never wear again.


i want to detox my entire existence. i want to make my room a place i really want to be, a happy place where i can focus on me and my goals without being disturbed by other people. i'm thinking of painting my room in a light, airy colour. i want my room to be a place i feel powerful and beautiful. i want it to radiate ana to me.
no excess burdens.
control.
lightness.
purity.
beauty.

detox diet day 4.

08:14
so far i'm absolutely ruling this diet. yesterday i went to the gym and before i biked home i stopped in at my favorite health store and bought some instant miso soup (about 40kcal per sachet), applesauce made of 100% apple, almond tea and soy whipped cream. i ate one sachet of miso soup for dinner and made myself a dessert of 50g applesauce and a bit of soy whipped cream topped with vanilla powder, cinnamon and 5 chopped almonds. yum. pure apple pie taste. i was also able to resist when my mom suddenly started making cheesecake yesterday. it looked delicious. with ground lemon peel in the cheese cream and berries on top. but i just sipped my almond tea and looked the other way. sometimes i find it helps to think of the food's way through the body if you want something that looks and smells great. how a beautiful little cake so quickly is smooshed around in the mouth, mixing with spit, sticking to the teeth. how the cake glides as a slimy ball to your stomach, how it's festering in the bowels, how it's turning into fat on your body and how it finally dumps out the other end. disgusting! it's an instant appetite-killer.

i've been wanting to try the whole counting calories thing. weighing everything before you eat it and calculating it has to be time consuming and appetite suppressing. here is what i plan on eating for today:

breakfast:
- water (0 kcal)
- 50g wheat free müsli (175 kcal) with
- 100g soy milk (35 kcal)

total: 210kcal.

lunch:
- water (0 kcal)
salad of
- 130g carrot (50,7 kcal)
- 140g apple (71,4 kcal)
- 35g celery(8,5 kcal)
- 115g lettuce (18,4 kcal)

total: 149 kcal.

dinner:
- water (o kcal)
- 100g home made falafel (316 kcal)
- seaweed salad (?)

total: 316-something kcal.

snacks:
- herbal teas (o kcal)
- a small banana from the gym (about 100 kcal) - but only if needed

total: 10o kcal.


total calorie intake for today = 775 kcal at the most.



this is great ! it makes it easier to stick to the what-to-eat-today-plan. i'm going to work out today as well. bike to the gym, have dance class and maybe pilates and bike home. i don't know how many calories that burns, but hopefully a lot if i exaggerate my movements and keep active.

here is some cute avoiding sweets thinspo ^^:

detox diet day 3.

08:56

no exams today. ahh. a whole wednesday to myself. slept incredibly well and already drank 2 glasses of water and popped my morning-chlorella and vitamin pills. today i want to work out properly and not just take a walk, so i signed up for a step class at 14:30. and while i'm at the gym i might as well do some of that boring machine workout.

but first! this yummy detox breakfast dish (i plan on spending at least one hour eating it)!:


- 1 carrot in thin slices
- lettuce
- seaweed
- half an avocado
- half a small tomato
- 1 boiled egg
- hot water with lemon

look at that. a quite large plate of safe, colorful foods that i'm gonna burn off later at the gym. mm. by the way, i'd love some work-out inspiration as far as the arms, bum and thighs. these seem to be the hardest areas for me to burn stuff off. as for the detox diet in general, i already feel it working and i'm a lot happier than i was a couple of days ago. my other plans for today are as follows:

- returning books at the library and probably picking some new ones up about ana.
- plan a good run sometime around lunch so i can skip it.
- keep active, no sitting down for too long.
- drink water with ice cubes and eat light for the rest of the day.
- study for the dreadful 5 hour german test on friday (the friggin 13th!)


here's a litte two-piece thinspo before i go to remind people of the summer to come:

how to look amazing in photographs.

16:56

today i've only eaten: fruit, 2 bags (10g each) apple chips, 2 eggs and home-made fruit popsicles (i've become addicted. you cut of pieces of fruit, like kiwi or banana, put them on a stick and freeze 'em. ta-da! no artificial stuff, sugar or fat on my bones. plus, it takes longer time to eat frozen fruit than fresh fruit, so you don't get all the calories munched down at once). i've been drinking tap water, hot water w. lemon juice and green tea. i plan on eating a small bowl of hot thai soup for dinner (possibly diluted w. water) and get it over with quickly.

in a month i have to go to the senior year lanciers dance. horror of horrors. i plan on wearing: coral coloured dress from paul & joe sister, black pantyhose and black stilettos. i deliberately bought a dress that fits loose, i don't want to either look like a fat pig going to the prom or have people constantly commenting on possible skinnyness. i dread the dinner before the dancing and the amount of flash photographs being taken. i honestly don't photograph very well; i have no sense of where the cameras are and i don't know how to be 'on'. i always end up looking tired, pale and ugly. my smile looks like a funny face i'm making and if i try to fix it all with makeup, it just gets worse and looks very stiff and unnatural. ugh..
fortunately, i always look better on camera being skinny. people can't deny that. it goes for models as well, curvy can be beautiful but bones and sucked-in cheeks simply photograph better. it looks more stoic and graceful. which is what i plan on being. how to look amazing in photographs? s t o p e a t i n g !
note: i'm not starving myself particularly for the senior lanciers, but for the future. i will be thin and gorgeous. any ideas on how to avoid eating with my entire class all around me?


i envy skinny people looking hot in no-retouch-polaroids. so that is my thinspo for today:















(notice that this girl is wearing a red bracelet ^^)

fortune cookie prophecy.

15:01

my last fortune cookie said: "an action that required all your forces will pay." i took it as kind of a sign, and there is no way back now. ana will definitely pay off!
we have so many reasons to be skinny:


- we will be the envy of every girl.
- we will be ever so light and able to move effortlessly and gracefully.
- we will look like models, clothes will fit us better and our cheekbones will pop out.
- we will be walking proof of our control and our power of will.
- we will command the attention of every room we enter.
- we will individually be referred to as 'the skinny one'.
- we will be beautiful.


today i ate/drank a bowl of müsli, coffee, water and fruit. the skinny-mantras are helping already. tonight i'm going to visit her. and she won't be able to make me eat, i swear! ana is my secret weapon. i told my parents i'm eating at her place and i'll just tell her i'm eating at home.
i'm a genius. people are so easy.

great progress.

11:31
- half a cup of coffee, couldn't finish.
- water.
- herbal tea.
- small cup yoghurt w. 1 tablespoon of brown rice.
- 'pancake' of 1 egg, 1 carrot and 1 beetroot.
- faux chocolate mousse of 1 banana, 1 tablespoon peanutbutter, a bit of cinnamon, pure vanilla and low-fat cocoa powder.

no school for me today. i'm home alone. my mom left me half a bun w. a thick layer of butter on it. i'm not gonna eat it. i'm gonna throw it out and leave a few crumbles on the plate, as if i ate it. yesterday i worked out a lot. and had pilates and dance class and biked to the gym and home. things are going well. am walking around in leggings and a white tank top, loving the flatness of my tummy. but i have a hard time losing weight on my hips and bum. i'm having a party in a week and i really want to outshine everyone.
yesterday i visited her. she was sick and it seemed her 'banish sugar'-plan backfired; she had a little bowl of gummy bears, chewing gum and such on her table. i felt good. i didn't eat the food i was offered, i looked skinny and fresh faced. i just have to keep it up. i might as well work out while i'm home alone. no way am i gonna slack off all day and let the stuff i ate grow on my body. yuck. i will eat no more food today if i can escape it. veggies or salad (w. no dressing) are okay, though.


today i need real girl thinspo for motivation:







this girl has style, too! i would love a slightly similar shoulderbag, a chanel 2.55 if i had the money, to go with my bones.

the red bracelet.

13:13 (make a wish!)

so far:
- coffee
- water
- small cup of yoghurt w. a few raisins + almonds
- raw organic food protein bar
- banana
+ plan on eating some carrots

my competition is getting tougher. the girl i'm secretly competing against has taken up not eating sugar.
i accidentally gave her tips, saying alcohol was made of sugar and that the bugles she were munching probably had sugar in them as well. i - am - so - stupid! this better motivate me. i'm going running later. i keep telling myself i'm better than her and it kinda helps. my strategy is: eat veggies mostly, cut down on everything else, absolutely no sugar, but healthy snacks if needed.. such as apple chips!


i don't have a red bracelet yet, but am working on it. it has to be simple and not too noticeable. and i don't wanna do the whole red t-shirt every monday thing. yesterday at work, i tried to secretly observe one of my colleagues. she is quite thin, especially her face. she has that greyish skin color people can get when they don't eat, and i've never seen her throw herself over toasts, sausage, white bread and the rest of the horrible fatty foods they serve us for lunch. i chew & spit it sometimes. but it's become too disgusting, and it's very hard to hide with a bunch of people in your face all the time. so i started bringing my own food and tea. and then i eat fruit. i tried to spot if she had a red bracelet on, but i couldn't see it. i feel like talking to her. i'm almost sure she is anorexic og orthorexic. her teeth sticks out in a way that almost allows you to see the shape of her skull before you, her cheeks are a bit sunken, she brings her own food, usually rice crackers, fruit or veggies. and she chews every bite thoroughly. i want to talk to her.

thinspo of the day: gemma ward!

ballerina or bean bag?

09:19
today i plan on eating (the stuff i already ate/drank is italic):

breakfast:
- 6 dices of apple on top of small amount of müsli porridge (but didn't finish)
- hot water & lemon
- a glass of water

mid-morning/lunch:
- 'active greens' raw organic food bar
- some grapes
- a few nuts/almonds
- 4 little carrots
- detox tea
- water

dinner (am going to helene from my class for her birthday dinner tonight. i hope it isn't pizza):
- hardly nothing of what's being served. i plan on eating mostly veggies.


i had insane tummy ache yesterday night. and it was still there this morning. i ate only a small amount of healthy food, i really had no appetite. it's about two hours since i ate breakfast and the pain have subsided a bit. i'm freaking out. i don't want to be sick. yesterday in dance class was fun, though. i saw a very skinny-looking girl who is my real life thinspo now. and there were a couple of fatties on the dance team.
i just felt strangely in the middle.


i just have to ask myself if i wanna look like a ballerina or a beanbag:






which would you rather be?

oishi.

21:35
- 1 cup of coffee
- 1 scrambled egg
- freshly squeezed orange juice
- half a banana
- water
- green tea ice tea from the asian shop
- 3 pieces of ginger candy from the asian shop (oh, i love ginger candies! they're quite strong but they don't burn the mouth. sadly they contain sugar /: that's why i didn't eat the whole box. but they're chewy and delicious and definetely healthier than synthetic candy!)
- 1 raw organic food bar (but split it w. boyfriend)
- vitamins
- small salad for dinner

today is nice. i'm very happy. my american apparel longjohns got delivered this afternoon and i don't ever wanna take them off! they're so comfy and sexy. am definetely going to wear them for school tomorrow, paired with ankle boots, a big scarf and my leather jacket. i also bought this month's issue of i-D mazagine, which i absolutely adore because of all the fashion and amazing photographs. it's great thinspo, by the way. i almost pulled the carrie bradshaw "sometimes i would buy vogue in stead of dinner. i just felt it fed me more".
unfortunately this issue was a men's issue, but they had an interview and a 13-page spread w. my favorite female model, freja beha. she's half naked in the photos, which really show off her perfect, skinny figure. although she has a little too many tattoos for my taste.

i also signed up for more classes at my gym + went running (but for very short bit. anyway it's okay, because my muscles are still sore from the gym yesterday. all of it! my legs, my bum, my inner thighs, my upper chest, my arms + my back. i absolutely rule!). tomorrow i have dance class at the gym. i convinced sofie to go with me so we could get in shape and laugh at ourselves and the overly energetic gym instructors. i love sofie. she is one of my good friends and i used to hang out with her back when i was at my skinniest state. she never mentioned it and we always had fun. she is such a good friend. the only problem is being stuck in food situations with her, like dinner at her place. she loves fatty foods, ice cream and candy, and her family often order in pizza or mcdonald's if they're too tired to cook. it is so dangerous for me. last time i saw her, i pulled it out somehow. we were watching a movie and opened a very big bag of mixed candy. i sat on the floor and she was on the bed behind me. every time i grabbed a handful of licorice or gummy-stuff i would chew it, be careful not to swallow it and secretly spit it out into my closed fist. i chewed and spitting until my hand was entirely full of a sticky, sweet-smelling, multicoloured paste. then i 'went to the bathroom', threw it in the toilet and washed my hands until the stickyness was gone. it was s0 disgusting and i felt awful doing it with sofie in the room, but on the other hand i was glad i didn't put all that sugar and artificial colouring in my body.
chewing and spitting works for me, because i get to taste foods i really love, like licorice, but without making them fill me up. sometimes i also ask my food what it can do for my body. if it can do no good (besides the obvious pleasure of the moment it's in the mouth), i avoid it. that's a good strategy.
a moment on the lips, forever on the hips.


today i want to do it a little differently: reverse thinspo! what i really, really d o n ' t want to become, ever and why i worry about my body and what i put inside it:

orthorexia nervosa.

15:37

am doing good so far, but dreading tonight's dinner at my bf's place (they have a thing for potatoes, gravy, candy & such, since his whole family never ever puts on weight and can eat whatever they want):

- water
- half a cup of müsli mixed to porridge w. boiling water
- 1 celery stick
- half a carrot
- some grapes
- half a banana
- 1 plum
- 1 small bag of apple chips (my new love: sweet and tasty w. absolutely no fat! it's just plain dried fuji apples)
- 1 egg
- a few cups of coffee

any ideas on how to avoid eating at dinner tonight? :/

i have started eating a little more (but mostly veggies) because almost passed out at the gym last saturday. it was during my boxing class. i hadn't eaten as much breakfast as i should and before the class i ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. me and my boxing partner were practicing jabs and uppercuts, laughing and having a good time and suddenly i felt weak and dizzy, i couldn't focus my eyes and at one point i couldn't see anything. so i stopped. i sat down, drank water and breathed in very deep. the fitness instructor gave me a banana and ordered me to eat it immediately. and i did. afterwards i got dressed and bought a sugarfree berry-protein smoothie at juicestop. that was nice. i don't think boxing is for me.

i recently found out that i apparently 'suffer from orthorexia' besides my ana-tendencies. i don't think i'm suffering, i just think a lot about what i eat in general. i also try to buy organic stuff. i'm not sure if it's a real diagnose like other eating disorders, but i don't feel like it's a disease for me, in my case it's more of a lifestyle.
i do obsess. about eating healthy and small amounts. but i obsess about a lot of things.

thinspo of the day? pj harvey: