how to look amazing in photographs.

16:56

today i've only eaten: fruit, 2 bags (10g each) apple chips, 2 eggs and home-made fruit popsicles (i've become addicted. you cut of pieces of fruit, like kiwi or banana, put them on a stick and freeze 'em. ta-da! no artificial stuff, sugar or fat on my bones. plus, it takes longer time to eat frozen fruit than fresh fruit, so you don't get all the calories munched down at once). i've been drinking tap water, hot water w. lemon juice and green tea. i plan on eating a small bowl of hot thai soup for dinner (possibly diluted w. water) and get it over with quickly.

in a month i have to go to the senior year lanciers dance. horror of horrors. i plan on wearing: coral coloured dress from paul & joe sister, black pantyhose and black stilettos. i deliberately bought a dress that fits loose, i don't want to either look like a fat pig going to the prom or have people constantly commenting on possible skinnyness. i dread the dinner before the dancing and the amount of flash photographs being taken. i honestly don't photograph very well; i have no sense of where the cameras are and i don't know how to be 'on'. i always end up looking tired, pale and ugly. my smile looks like a funny face i'm making and if i try to fix it all with makeup, it just gets worse and looks very stiff and unnatural. ugh..
fortunately, i always look better on camera being skinny. people can't deny that. it goes for models as well, curvy can be beautiful but bones and sucked-in cheeks simply photograph better. it looks more stoic and graceful. which is what i plan on being. how to look amazing in photographs? s t o p e a t i n g !
note: i'm not starving myself particularly for the senior lanciers, but for the future. i will be thin and gorgeous. any ideas on how to avoid eating with my entire class all around me?


i envy skinny people looking hot in no-retouch-polaroids. so that is my thinspo for today:















(notice that this girl is wearing a red bracelet ^^)

show your bones.

12:44

am now eating my first meal of the day, kind of a 'brunch' plate:
- hot water w. lemon juice.
- 1 vitamin/mineral pill.
- a colourful salad of 2 small carrots, 1 small banana, half an orange, 1 small nectarine and 12 little grapes w. 2 chopped walnuts, 2 tablespoons of plain bio yoghurt and a bit of cinnamon for topping.

i chew it all carefully and make sure it takes a while to eat. it's quite a big plate and it makes me full, since it contains carbs, but still a bit of fat and protein (walnuts and small amount of yoghurt). the cinnamon is said to be good for the metabolism? also, it tastes good. my plan for the rest of the day is eating beetroot and something very light for dinner. i'm gonna take a long walk soon & perhaps run.

am very pleased with what i see in the mirror today. i got up feeling good, got in the shower (singing! i only do that when i'm happy), lathered up, shaved intimate parts and let the water soften me up. when i got out, i took my time moisturizing (i always forget that) and really studied my body in the mirror. my ribs are now popping out under my breasts, my collarbone and hip bones are also quite visible and my tummy is flat, flat, flat. i felt so gorgeous and sexy that i immediately jumped in bed w. my boyfriend. and it's rarely me who take the initiative because i often feel uncomfortable being naked. but when i'm skinny, i love my body and feel like flaunting it. it's such a power. but i worry that i might be too thin for croquis modeling (you model naked for art school students in their classes of drawing the human body. it is important to have control over your body, since you're often asked to hold poses for up to 15 minutes and falling on your naked ass would be quite embarrassing).

i'm currently reading 'apple cheeks' by maria hirse, it's a book about her own eating disorder and it's meant to help young people put a stop to theirs. i find it helpful sometimes, but i'm a bit shameful to admit that i mostly use it for tips. sorry, maria. a little quotation from the book:

The flight home went good. There was a sweet young man sitting next to me, who entertained me for the entire flight. It was not long before he asked what I suffered from.
"It's something with my stomach", I said and looked away. Truth to be told, I didn't know what I was suffering from. I never met anyone who looked like me, and all I knew was that I no longer could control my thoughts about food. Carsten, the man next to me, gladly recieved my lunch dish except for an apple, which I cut in eight pieces. I'm not sure when the mania about cutting food into small bites actually began, but everything had to be cut out. The smaller the pieces, the better. To avoid looking too strange in public I limited the division, like now, to eight pieces. Even small pieces were chewed carefully and it often took me an hour to eat an apple.



thinspo of the day? daisy lowe:

orthorexia nervosa.

15:37

am doing good so far, but dreading tonight's dinner at my bf's place (they have a thing for potatoes, gravy, candy & such, since his whole family never ever puts on weight and can eat whatever they want):

- water
- half a cup of müsli mixed to porridge w. boiling water
- 1 celery stick
- half a carrot
- some grapes
- half a banana
- 1 plum
- 1 small bag of apple chips (my new love: sweet and tasty w. absolutely no fat! it's just plain dried fuji apples)
- 1 egg
- a few cups of coffee

any ideas on how to avoid eating at dinner tonight? :/

i have started eating a little more (but mostly veggies) because almost passed out at the gym last saturday. it was during my boxing class. i hadn't eaten as much breakfast as i should and before the class i ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. me and my boxing partner were practicing jabs and uppercuts, laughing and having a good time and suddenly i felt weak and dizzy, i couldn't focus my eyes and at one point i couldn't see anything. so i stopped. i sat down, drank water and breathed in very deep. the fitness instructor gave me a banana and ordered me to eat it immediately. and i did. afterwards i got dressed and bought a sugarfree berry-protein smoothie at juicestop. that was nice. i don't think boxing is for me.

i recently found out that i apparently 'suffer from orthorexia' besides my ana-tendencies. i don't think i'm suffering, i just think a lot about what i eat in general. i also try to buy organic stuff. i'm not sure if it's a real diagnose like other eating disorders, but i don't feel like it's a disease for me, in my case it's more of a lifestyle.
i do obsess. about eating healthy and small amounts. but i obsess about a lot of things.

thinspo of the day? pj harvey:

good intensions.

10:38

mgrmmbll... hey, guys. i just woke up.
these are my plans for today:

- the city. i will need a new pair of topshop leggings + a cuppacoffee.
- the gym. today i signed up for a boxing beginner class. i need to mix it up in order to keep working out exciting! feel free to recommend other work-out stuff that works for you ^^. to push myself at the gym, today i will think about outshining people i dislike and that i have to look absolutely fabulous for my birthday party the 31th of January and the senior year lanciers dance sometime around March.
- keep active during the day to burn off more.
- eliminate eating. i allow myself fruit + veggies, especially minus calorie stuff.
- waiting + longing for american apparel to deliver my sexy longjohns.


this is them! aren't they fantastic? i can't wait to show off my skinnyness in these:

quod me nutrit, me destruit.

10:49
- 1 small cup of plain yoghurt w. grinded flaxseeds.
- 3 prunes.
- small handful of raisins.
- 1 cup of red tea w. 2 slices of lemon
- 'pancake' of two egg whites, cinnamon and sweetener
- 2 rice cakes w. cheese
- 12 grapes
- a few slices of mango
(v. bad, i know, but am going to the gym later!)

my exam tomorrow is stressing me out. my stomach is hurting.
i eat slowly, chew every bite thoroughly and sip tea in between the bites while watching 'green wing'. tonight one of my bf's buddies is having a birthday party. i'm not invited, 'cause i'm not that close with his friend, but she is. i know things probably won't happen and that he loves me, but i can't stand the thought of them being in the same room, being drunk, talking, even hugging each other to say hello/goodbye. this is infuriating. i hate being jealous. i think i'll just go work out and use my anger to really push myself.

on the bright side, i decided to throw a birthday afterall, but not one of those big dinners or all night drinking parties, none of that inviting people just because i should-crap. this time it's only my best friends. and we're going to the seaside to watch the sun rise, open up a bottle of champagne, then head back to my place for (healthy!) brunch, where i'll make sure not to eat all that much. i'm really looking forward to it! it's all very "marie antoinette" by sofia coppola, minus all the sugary pink cakes.

a new part of my obsession is: thighs + bum. i've always cared more about a flat tummy, but all of a sudden i feel my thighs swelling up whenever i eat or look at them. and i think i have a little cellulite. i'm not sure it's even that bad, but i obsess about it and bought this suction disc-thing and oil. it sounds absolutely ridiculous, but i wanna look my absolute best. therefore i need my thinspo! today it's victoria beckham:












would you look at those legs?

coffee & cigarettes.

13:39
- 2 cups of black coffee w. a little cinnamon.
- freshly squeezed orange juice.
- lots of water.
- 1 cup of green tea w. a slice of lemon.
- 1 cigarette.
- salad of 1 small apple, 12 seedless grapes, small handful of spinach leaves, 6 slices of mango,
1 tablespoon of citrus-flavored omega3-oil poured over the fruits as dressing.

am doing great. christmas was almost ruining my plans, but i put a stop to it. this new year's
resolution will last beyond the buzz of champagne! i - will - be - skinny! and i plan to avoid
things and people standing in my way. i have a little secret competition going; i want to be
skinnier and prettier than her. luckily she has been gaining a lot of weight, but i know she's
trying to lose it even though she pretends to be all confident and happy with herself. she's not.

i went shopping yesterday. it was amazing. i bought 2 pairs of jeans (i never go shopping for jeans,
because it always gets depressing. i usually wear leggings), 1 polo shirt, 1 fancy shirt and 1
dress-like, size xs (but oversize..) boat neck sweat shirt. i was so happy. all the clothes fit me so
nicely. if i feel so good at this size, losing a little more weight must be even better.
skinnyness is my drug!

how do i keep motivated? it helps me stay focused, when i secretly compete with someone.
and of course looking at people who embody my goal. right now it's danish model freja beha.
i'm in love with her:











her body and face is perfection.