japan.

09:45
hi y'all. sorry for not posting as often as i should, but at the moment i'm being consumed by an exam assignment, that i have to write over the weekend. i can't focus. i keep thinking about food and my weight and i catch myself actually running to the mirror, grabbing my thighs and hips as if reminding me that eating will only make them bigger. maybe it's helping? food-wise, this has been a very good weekend. i've completely steered clear of sugar, e-numbers, red meat, unhealthy fat, milk and wheat.
right now i'm sipping water on the rocks, stretching my skinnier legs and wondering whether or not i should make breakfast. if the detox diet i've slowly started delivers some great results, i plan on strutting my non-existing stuff in these sexypants:



rauw!

i've become obsessed with japanese cooking in the past days and was happy that my friend decided to throw an all girl japanese party. we had a great time. i ate sushi, wasabi chickpeas, salad, a bit of chicken w. chili and lime and c&s'ed the post dinner brownie (not so japanese). my fortune cookie said: "no one can stop you!" and i smiled on the inside. afterwards we watched "my neighbor totoro" and "battle royale" (pretty good thinspo, actually. most japanese people are skinny and beautiful).

therefore, today's thinspo is japanese:

how to look amazing in photographs.

16:56

today i've only eaten: fruit, 2 bags (10g each) apple chips, 2 eggs and home-made fruit popsicles (i've become addicted. you cut of pieces of fruit, like kiwi or banana, put them on a stick and freeze 'em. ta-da! no artificial stuff, sugar or fat on my bones. plus, it takes longer time to eat frozen fruit than fresh fruit, so you don't get all the calories munched down at once). i've been drinking tap water, hot water w. lemon juice and green tea. i plan on eating a small bowl of hot thai soup for dinner (possibly diluted w. water) and get it over with quickly.

in a month i have to go to the senior year lanciers dance. horror of horrors. i plan on wearing: coral coloured dress from paul & joe sister, black pantyhose and black stilettos. i deliberately bought a dress that fits loose, i don't want to either look like a fat pig going to the prom or have people constantly commenting on possible skinnyness. i dread the dinner before the dancing and the amount of flash photographs being taken. i honestly don't photograph very well; i have no sense of where the cameras are and i don't know how to be 'on'. i always end up looking tired, pale and ugly. my smile looks like a funny face i'm making and if i try to fix it all with makeup, it just gets worse and looks very stiff and unnatural. ugh..
fortunately, i always look better on camera being skinny. people can't deny that. it goes for models as well, curvy can be beautiful but bones and sucked-in cheeks simply photograph better. it looks more stoic and graceful. which is what i plan on being. how to look amazing in photographs? s t o p e a t i n g !
note: i'm not starving myself particularly for the senior lanciers, but for the future. i will be thin and gorgeous. any ideas on how to avoid eating with my entire class all around me?


i envy skinny people looking hot in no-retouch-polaroids. so that is my thinspo for today:















(notice that this girl is wearing a red bracelet ^^)

show your bones.

12:44

am now eating my first meal of the day, kind of a 'brunch' plate:
- hot water w. lemon juice.
- 1 vitamin/mineral pill.
- a colourful salad of 2 small carrots, 1 small banana, half an orange, 1 small nectarine and 12 little grapes w. 2 chopped walnuts, 2 tablespoons of plain bio yoghurt and a bit of cinnamon for topping.

i chew it all carefully and make sure it takes a while to eat. it's quite a big plate and it makes me full, since it contains carbs, but still a bit of fat and protein (walnuts and small amount of yoghurt). the cinnamon is said to be good for the metabolism? also, it tastes good. my plan for the rest of the day is eating beetroot and something very light for dinner. i'm gonna take a long walk soon & perhaps run.

am very pleased with what i see in the mirror today. i got up feeling good, got in the shower (singing! i only do that when i'm happy), lathered up, shaved intimate parts and let the water soften me up. when i got out, i took my time moisturizing (i always forget that) and really studied my body in the mirror. my ribs are now popping out under my breasts, my collarbone and hip bones are also quite visible and my tummy is flat, flat, flat. i felt so gorgeous and sexy that i immediately jumped in bed w. my boyfriend. and it's rarely me who take the initiative because i often feel uncomfortable being naked. but when i'm skinny, i love my body and feel like flaunting it. it's such a power. but i worry that i might be too thin for croquis modeling (you model naked for art school students in their classes of drawing the human body. it is important to have control over your body, since you're often asked to hold poses for up to 15 minutes and falling on your naked ass would be quite embarrassing).

i'm currently reading 'apple cheeks' by maria hirse, it's a book about her own eating disorder and it's meant to help young people put a stop to theirs. i find it helpful sometimes, but i'm a bit shameful to admit that i mostly use it for tips. sorry, maria. a little quotation from the book:

The flight home went good. There was a sweet young man sitting next to me, who entertained me for the entire flight. It was not long before he asked what I suffered from.
"It's something with my stomach", I said and looked away. Truth to be told, I didn't know what I was suffering from. I never met anyone who looked like me, and all I knew was that I no longer could control my thoughts about food. Carsten, the man next to me, gladly recieved my lunch dish except for an apple, which I cut in eight pieces. I'm not sure when the mania about cutting food into small bites actually began, but everything had to be cut out. The smaller the pieces, the better. To avoid looking too strange in public I limited the division, like now, to eight pieces. Even small pieces were chewed carefully and it often took me an hour to eat an apple.



thinspo of the day? daisy lowe:

oishi.

21:35
- 1 cup of coffee
- 1 scrambled egg
- freshly squeezed orange juice
- half a banana
- water
- green tea ice tea from the asian shop
- 3 pieces of ginger candy from the asian shop (oh, i love ginger candies! they're quite strong but they don't burn the mouth. sadly they contain sugar /: that's why i didn't eat the whole box. but they're chewy and delicious and definetely healthier than synthetic candy!)
- 1 raw organic food bar (but split it w. boyfriend)
- vitamins
- small salad for dinner

today is nice. i'm very happy. my american apparel longjohns got delivered this afternoon and i don't ever wanna take them off! they're so comfy and sexy. am definetely going to wear them for school tomorrow, paired with ankle boots, a big scarf and my leather jacket. i also bought this month's issue of i-D mazagine, which i absolutely adore because of all the fashion and amazing photographs. it's great thinspo, by the way. i almost pulled the carrie bradshaw "sometimes i would buy vogue in stead of dinner. i just felt it fed me more".
unfortunately this issue was a men's issue, but they had an interview and a 13-page spread w. my favorite female model, freja beha. she's half naked in the photos, which really show off her perfect, skinny figure. although she has a little too many tattoos for my taste.

i also signed up for more classes at my gym + went running (but for very short bit. anyway it's okay, because my muscles are still sore from the gym yesterday. all of it! my legs, my bum, my inner thighs, my upper chest, my arms + my back. i absolutely rule!). tomorrow i have dance class at the gym. i convinced sofie to go with me so we could get in shape and laugh at ourselves and the overly energetic gym instructors. i love sofie. she is one of my good friends and i used to hang out with her back when i was at my skinniest state. she never mentioned it and we always had fun. she is such a good friend. the only problem is being stuck in food situations with her, like dinner at her place. she loves fatty foods, ice cream and candy, and her family often order in pizza or mcdonald's if they're too tired to cook. it is so dangerous for me. last time i saw her, i pulled it out somehow. we were watching a movie and opened a very big bag of mixed candy. i sat on the floor and she was on the bed behind me. every time i grabbed a handful of licorice or gummy-stuff i would chew it, be careful not to swallow it and secretly spit it out into my closed fist. i chewed and spitting until my hand was entirely full of a sticky, sweet-smelling, multicoloured paste. then i 'went to the bathroom', threw it in the toilet and washed my hands until the stickyness was gone. it was s0 disgusting and i felt awful doing it with sofie in the room, but on the other hand i was glad i didn't put all that sugar and artificial colouring in my body.
chewing and spitting works for me, because i get to taste foods i really love, like licorice, but without making them fill me up. sometimes i also ask my food what it can do for my body. if it can do no good (besides the obvious pleasure of the moment it's in the mouth), i avoid it. that's a good strategy.
a moment on the lips, forever on the hips.


today i want to do it a little differently: reverse thinspo! what i really, really d o n ' t want to become, ever and why i worry about my body and what i put inside it:

orthorexia nervosa.

15:37

am doing good so far, but dreading tonight's dinner at my bf's place (they have a thing for potatoes, gravy, candy & such, since his whole family never ever puts on weight and can eat whatever they want):

- water
- half a cup of müsli mixed to porridge w. boiling water
- 1 celery stick
- half a carrot
- some grapes
- half a banana
- 1 plum
- 1 small bag of apple chips (my new love: sweet and tasty w. absolutely no fat! it's just plain dried fuji apples)
- 1 egg
- a few cups of coffee

any ideas on how to avoid eating at dinner tonight? :/

i have started eating a little more (but mostly veggies) because almost passed out at the gym last saturday. it was during my boxing class. i hadn't eaten as much breakfast as i should and before the class i ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. me and my boxing partner were practicing jabs and uppercuts, laughing and having a good time and suddenly i felt weak and dizzy, i couldn't focus my eyes and at one point i couldn't see anything. so i stopped. i sat down, drank water and breathed in very deep. the fitness instructor gave me a banana and ordered me to eat it immediately. and i did. afterwards i got dressed and bought a sugarfree berry-protein smoothie at juicestop. that was nice. i don't think boxing is for me.

i recently found out that i apparently 'suffer from orthorexia' besides my ana-tendencies. i don't think i'm suffering, i just think a lot about what i eat in general. i also try to buy organic stuff. i'm not sure if it's a real diagnose like other eating disorders, but i don't feel like it's a disease for me, in my case it's more of a lifestyle.
i do obsess. about eating healthy and small amounts. but i obsess about a lot of things.

thinspo of the day? pj harvey: