how to look amazing in photographs.

16:56

today i've only eaten: fruit, 2 bags (10g each) apple chips, 2 eggs and home-made fruit popsicles (i've become addicted. you cut of pieces of fruit, like kiwi or banana, put them on a stick and freeze 'em. ta-da! no artificial stuff, sugar or fat on my bones. plus, it takes longer time to eat frozen fruit than fresh fruit, so you don't get all the calories munched down at once). i've been drinking tap water, hot water w. lemon juice and green tea. i plan on eating a small bowl of hot thai soup for dinner (possibly diluted w. water) and get it over with quickly.

in a month i have to go to the senior year lanciers dance. horror of horrors. i plan on wearing: coral coloured dress from paul & joe sister, black pantyhose and black stilettos. i deliberately bought a dress that fits loose, i don't want to either look like a fat pig going to the prom or have people constantly commenting on possible skinnyness. i dread the dinner before the dancing and the amount of flash photographs being taken. i honestly don't photograph very well; i have no sense of where the cameras are and i don't know how to be 'on'. i always end up looking tired, pale and ugly. my smile looks like a funny face i'm making and if i try to fix it all with makeup, it just gets worse and looks very stiff and unnatural. ugh..
fortunately, i always look better on camera being skinny. people can't deny that. it goes for models as well, curvy can be beautiful but bones and sucked-in cheeks simply photograph better. it looks more stoic and graceful. which is what i plan on being. how to look amazing in photographs? s t o p e a t i n g !
note: i'm not starving myself particularly for the senior lanciers, but for the future. i will be thin and gorgeous. any ideas on how to avoid eating with my entire class all around me?


i envy skinny people looking hot in no-retouch-polaroids. so that is my thinspo for today:















(notice that this girl is wearing a red bracelet ^^)

chew chew, spit spit.

09:23
grmm.. overslept. am now eating breakfast of: eggs, smoked salmon + 2 melon slices.
i'm trying to make myself full early so i don't slip later in the afternoon. i plan on starting on a three-week-detox-thing. anyone want to join? it's hard to do it alone. it's three weeks of not eating wheat, dairy, red meat, sugar and chemicals in processed food. it's a really good diet when it comes to the results. i use it as a revenge diet to outshine other people. hm. that sounded a tad bitchy ^^. but seriously, it's all about choices. saying no thanks to unhealthy food is saying yes, please to being skinny. i must not forget.
the diet is also a great test for one's will power and control, but it will be worth it all after the three weeks.
beauty inside and out.

yesterday i c&s'ed for the first time in a long time. i decided to eat a slice of cake, then immediately changed my mind once i started chewing it. i spit it out, rolled it into some toilet paper and flushed it out. i'm a bit ashamed for wasting food my mother cooks. i know she would be angry if she knew. i feel disgusting when i do it, but afterwards i'm always relieved. i feel like i succeeded somehow.

oh, and i just bought the new york city ballet work-out dvd. i hope it will bring me closer to the body i want. and that i'm not too inflexible, of course. thinspo of the day: perfect body ballerinas!








it's so unfair..

fortune cookie prophecy.

15:01

my last fortune cookie said: "an action that required all your forces will pay." i took it as kind of a sign, and there is no way back now. ana will definitely pay off!
we have so many reasons to be skinny:


- we will be the envy of every girl.
- we will be ever so light and able to move effortlessly and gracefully.
- we will look like models, clothes will fit us better and our cheekbones will pop out.
- we will be walking proof of our control and our power of will.
- we will command the attention of every room we enter.
- we will individually be referred to as 'the skinny one'.
- we will be beautiful.


today i ate/drank a bowl of müsli, coffee, water and fruit. the skinny-mantras are helping already. tonight i'm going to visit her. and she won't be able to make me eat, i swear! ana is my secret weapon. i told my parents i'm eating at her place and i'll just tell her i'm eating at home.
i'm a genius. people are so easy.

chubby.

if you're chubby and you hate it, clap your hands.
clap.
clap.

11:20
i just returned from berlin last night. it was fantastic. except that i put on weight. i don't know how much it actually is, but i feel huge. i love berlin, but they have too many unhealthy options when it comes to grabbing a quick bite; döner, currywurst (a thick, greasy sausage in ketchup-sauce w. a sprinkling of curry.. ewww), huge pretzels w. salt. plus, i went over there with my parents and it was very hard to hide it, so i let go: i ate what/when they ate. and nemesis was severe stomach pain, feeling bloated, greasy and very ugly. i beat my self up about it on the way home and i plan to start a detox diet soon. luckily, berlin have whole supermarkets with just organic and biodynamic foods, so i stacked up on tea, fruit, celery sticks, apple chips and stuff. mm.

i went running at 10:00 (excellent start!) this morning, took a cold shower afterwards, rubbed my self w. birch oil and then got dressed and prepared this breakfast:
- 1 egg fried in 1 tbs coconut oil (said to be good for metabolism)
- 1 big carrot cut in smaller sticks
- 1 orange cut into little pieces
- 1 thin slice of wholegrain bread (lightly toasted on the same pan as the egg in leftover oil) cut in two, w. a small amount of peanut butter on one piece, and fig spread on the other.
- grape juice diluted w. water

i spent about 45 minutes eating it, chewing carefully, dreaming about a skinnier self.
i simply won't allow myself to fuck this up.


today's thinspo is sasha grey:










she's not totally skinny, but has a nice figure.