worthy.

12:15

today is the first day since i've known about the red bracelet that i felt truly worthy of wearing it.


the weight is still going down, slowly, but steadily and i love it. i went to the library yesterday to pick up books on history to prepare for my final exam, but ended up in the weight loss-aisle. i took home about four history-relevant books and about 10 ones on weight loss, eating disorders and fictional stories about anorexic or food-focused girls. i feel like such a teen, but i love reading those books even though they're poorly written. they offer both tips and thinspiration to me, even though that probably wasn't the authors intention. hehe.

today i've only eaten cherries. and i don't plan on taking in anything other than water and world history facts for the rest of the day.

little human.

they have no self discipline, no will power.
whipped cream cakes, gingerbread, giant beefsteaks.
i can resist.
they are not going to make me give in.
they are not going to beat me.
my mother puts up with everything.
i'm not going to put up with anything.
they are trying to tempt me with their poison.
there is poison in all the food, poison.
i will become infected if i eat it.
they are not going to stuff me.
i refuse to become fat and disgusting.
(...)
everyone is swelling up around me.
being fat is repulsive.
and their tits look like bloated balloons.
i will stay clean.
(...)
i can deal with anything.
i can control it all.
they are trying to feed me their bait.
but they can't tempt me.
i can withstand hunger and chill.
i am the strongest person in the world.
i don't cry. i'm not weak.
(...)
i'm thinner than the boys at my school.
thin is pure.
i am pure.
i'm not filthy like the others.
and i will never get filthy.
i am a sexless being.
sometimes it is hard.
but i don't complain.
it can be almost too hard.
but i still don't complain.
i refuse to be as feeble and spineless as them.
i refuse to whine like them.
i refuse to grow up, to become swollen.
refuse to become fat and whiny like a pig.
i am the strongest person in the entire world.


from little human by charlotte strandgaard.

looking forward to a skinny summer.

09:02

- 1 grapefruit
- water
- 1 multivitamin


hi ladies. things are going great. i'm still down two or three pant sizes. i've rummaged through my closet and found my old favorite pair of skinny jeans, size 31 (eww!). am wearing them now, and there is nothing skinny about them. they've gotten so baggy that i can't possibly wear them without a belt. i feel so accomplished and successful at this point. and a bit disgusted with my former weight. i can't believe i thought i was slim back then.
clothes is for me a very effective motivation-tool. keep your old, large clothes to remind you of how far you've come and what you will go back to looking like if you give up ana, but also keep or buy skimpy tight tees as well as pants or shorts a few sizes down. you will want to be able to fit into them badly. especially since it's summer and these outfits are almost demanded.

i'm going to the roskilde festival in about a month and i'm a bit freaked. it usually means laziness in the sun, greasy food and loads of beer. luckily, i signed up to work there, so i will have three 8-hour working days where people won't be suspicious about what i eat. i also plan on dancing like there's no tomorrow at the concerts (especially yeahyeahyeahs) and packing my bags with pills, green tea extract, water and non-fat snacks like apple chips. i just hope i can hide it from the others. this is the downside about ana: once you're actually succeeding and getting real thin, people notice - and try to stop you. i hope this won't happen. it can't, i refuse to let it.

i've come this far and ain't nobody taking this away from me.

bad news, good news.

17:54

recently, i've been having disturbances with my eyes. my vision has gotten a lot blurrier, i'm seeing spots, i've become extremely sensitive to daylight and i often have the a feeling like my eyes are coated with a thin layer of see-through fabric. and i know it's not a you-need-glasses-thing. it's an ana thing.

i have very low blood pressure, so passing out is unfortunately fairly easy for me, even on a full stomach. so when i starve myself, it gets a lot worse. and because of this eye-matter and my recent collapses while working out, i've decided i need to eat a little more. i'm not going to eat huge meals, i just put in a bit more protein in my diet. like an egg(white). i think it'll help, even though it sucks a bit to be forced to eat more because my crappy body craps out on me. that's the bad news.

the good news is:
i've dropped two pant sizes since january and i thought i'd have a wee jeans thinspo celebration:

trapped.

10:36

okay,
so i passed out two days ago at the gym and the gym people fed me juice and called for my mom to come pick me up. she kept asking if i ate enough and what i ate before i went down there, and at the same time she kept saying "it COULD be that you are just eating way to little, but i don't know". she kept accusing me and then kinda taking it back like she didn't want me to think was she was thinking: "you're having an eating disorder, aren't you?".
i was still kind of paralyzed and just answered in i-don't-know-grunts. i told her it might be exam stress. i thought she was buying it, but at home she made me eat a thick slice of bread with an enormous layer of butter and a bit of salt on it while she watched me. eww...

later in the evening when i felt better my sister came home to visit us. i was still on the couch, drinking loads of water and flipping through magazines, not trying to walk around too much. my mom apparently told her what happened, because she totally jumped on me and said that i should eat! she's always on me for eating too little. i think she's a bit jealous to be honest. she has an enormous appetite and then she feels guilty when she compared what the two of us eats.

big surprise: i didn't make the model audition thing and now i'm being watched wherever i go.
crap, crap, crap. i need help.

skinny bitch.

09:42

input:
- water, water, water
- green tea w. fresh mint herb
- slightly larger portion of faux chocolate mousse (am going to work out like there's no tomorrow)


today i'm supposed to be studying for my exam tomorrow, but i can't really sit still and focus on it. i have to walk around all the time or i'll get freaked out by gaining weight. the cleaning up my life is going well. yesterday i went to buy a lot of plants for my room. it always makes me happier when there's something green to look at. i wanted to get an orchid, but they were too friggin expensive, so i ended op buying lots of other stuff: a ginseng fig, an air cleaner, a coffee plant (yes!), ivy and a white rose with a raspberry-ish scent. mm.

has anyone had any experience with those skinny bitch books and workout dvds? i'm thinking of getting them for myself, i think the tough love attitude would work. none of that love-your-flabby-body-as-it-is-crap. i really need to get off my butt.

therefore, as mentioned in another post, i'm working on transfering a lot of thinspo-to-go (songs, pictures, videos) to my ipod and would be pleased if you'd share some of the thinspo that really works for you. i'd be so pleased and i can't really ask my bf to help me out, since he'll discover everything.

speaking of thinspo, there's an open casting for potential model wannabes in my town in two days. i don't feel very modelicious, but i would like to be. it could maybe be a good way of pushing myself if i decided to go. they'll probably tell me i'm too fat. maybe they would make me wanna give up on ana, make me go home and decide i'm too fat and always will be? or maybe i could build up will power enough in these two days to decide that this simply wouldn't happen. that i would be the skinniest bitch there. and i could always say no if they'd actually accept me, which might be a real thinspo and confidence boost.

hmm. open model casting in two days
- good idea or big mistake?



i'd sure like to actually be this in stead of just dreaming about it,
admiring it from a great distance:

schedule, schedule, schedule.

10:32

so far:
- 1 apple cut in 8 pieces
- faux chocolate mousse (mush together: 1 banana, 1 tsp peanut butter, 1 tsp coconut oil, loads and loads of cinnamon, pure vanilla and a bit of cardamom)
- 2 pots of green tea
- water

i'm quite busy at the moment because of exams. i'm graduating the 23th of june and then school will no longer be a spanner in the works with the constant sitting on your butt reading, writing, listening.
i have to get a job, though. a full time one. i want it to be time-consuming and active, maybe i'll wait tables at a busy café or something.


being thin is not really happening, since i keep losing my control because of exam stress. raargrrghh! so now i need to get back on track. i'm making a schedule of everything: the food i eat, my exercise, projects, thoughts, subjects i'm studying for & such. i've also been making be own personal list of being thin vs. being fat. i'd love to hear some of your reasons to be thin. i'll also like to know what thinspo music you listen too? i want to make a thinspo playlist on my ipod and listen to it while i work out, sit in the bus or study for my exams.


today i'll:
- attend yoga class.
- go for a run.
- clean my room.
- avoid eating.
- buy orchids for my room and other green plants.
- throw out everything i don't need, like old maths notes, dust-gathering things and clothes i'll never wear again.


i want to detox my entire existence. i want to make my room a place i really want to be, a happy place where i can focus on me and my goals without being disturbed by other people. i'm thinking of painting my room in a light, airy colour. i want my room to be a place i feel powerful and beautiful. i want it to radiate ana to me.
no excess burdens.
control.
lightness.
purity.
beauty.

who likes short shorts?

23:30

i have a certain pair of black high-waist shorts.
whenever i'm skinny enough to fit into them without struggling,
i feel good about myself.

i'm still here.

16:33

sorry for not posting for what seems like forever. back in school after our spring break one of my classmates, m, told us that his father just killed himself. the day before, m's mother had walked into a room to find her husband hanging by his neck, lifeless, limp. i never knew m's father, but i found myself enormously upset when i heard this. i cried all day at school and couldn't focus on anything. learning about german grammar, the french revolution and oscar wilde all seemed so pointless. death has always been a very hard thing for me to deal with. i kind of can't. i don't know why, but it's always been like that. i went to the funeral later with some of my other classmates. it was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, the sermon was fine and nice things were said about peter, that was his name. i was sad all along, of course, but i thought i was doing quite well considering i really can't deal with funerals. but i completely cracked at the end of the church ceremony where m, his little brother, his mother and some of the closest family carried the coffin down the aisle, out of the church. it was too horrible. but it was a quite beautiful ceremony all in all and m is doing quite well considering the circumstances. he is very strong and he's been coming to school every day since the funeral. i bet i couldn't. i'd be curled up in a ball on the floor, screaming, crying and losing my mind, i think.

i'm still quite focused on my weight, but this whole tragedy has messed me up and brought my anxiety back to life. i have to see my shrink again and deal with my fears about death and getting ill. i don't know why i'm so afraid of that. i'm terrified of becoming ill and paradoxically enough i do have a sickness with my food obsession, but i cling to it and i'm not willing to let it go. i know that it can kill me in the end, but i refuse to recover fully from it. i might have periods of eating 'normally', but it always comes back. and i actually love it. i fear sicknesses, yet i'm consciously focused on exercise, on my diet, starving myself or eating extremely healthy foods, i'm thrilled to discover i've moved down a pant size, thrilled to discover lower numbers on the scales, thrilled to feel and be able to see my ribcage and hipbones through my skin stretched tightly across them.

bikini kill.

23:11

everything went great last friday. i felt so great and happy about myself and i wasn't even that hungry at the 3 hour long dinner with my class and parents and teachers. i ate a bit of salmon and avocado mousse and drank white wine, but nothing else went down. i got so many compliments for how i looked and my dress and i was home and in bed about four in the morning after we'd ditched the school and hit the town.

the bad thing is, i can tell i've been eating too little fat. my skin is very dry, red and flaky in the face, so the past days i've been taking in 2tbs of flax seed oil and some more nuts. it's already working.
the plan is now to look killer gorgeous and skinny in a bikini. and everything else, of course. i want to try the whole superfoods thing and just ordered some goji berries online and looked up some raw food recipes. i plan on making a lot of sushi, also just with veggies, fruit and veggie juices, herbal teas and safe, healthy foods to satisfy the sweet tooth without making me fat and disgusting. if i find something great, i'll blog some recipes.

i want to take up yoga again. it used to make me feel so good, but then all of a sudden it disappeared from the gym classes. bugger. but i found a great site with a little animation of a man doing the different poses, so you can be sure to do them correctly. www.abc-of-yoga.com <-- check it out!

anyway, here's a little two-piece thinspo for you:

detox diet day 16.

11:12

hi guys.
i thought it might be time for a little ID.. this is me right now, tuesday the 24th of march '09. i'm not at all at my lowest weight, but getting there and hopefully even lower:













that's all.. stay strong !

-r.

detox diet day 15.

08:45

getting so close! today i got up at 07:00 and decided to skip my 08:00 design class to do a bit of moving around. then later i logged in to the school's webpage to see when i had to go up there to luckily discover that my history teacher is sick for the day. that means i don't have to be up there 'till 11:45 ! it also mean plenty of work out time.

today - before school - i plan to:

- run for at least 15-20 minutes.
- upper chest work out (i hope to have at least a little cleavage in my dress on friday.
- NYC ballet workout on DVD

i love the NYC ballet workout, but i can't do it with people watching. our DVD player is in the living room and everyone's always home. but now i'm all alone, i can stay somewhat empty and do my workouts in peace. yaay! i'm going to take a long shower and bike to school afterwards.

today, so far i've eaten 100g applesauce w. 1 tablespoon of oats, a bit of soy milk and a lot of cinnamon in it. i've been popping the pills and drinking water and green tea. for the rest of the day i plan on mostly drinking diluted juices, eating veggies and a frozen banana. i think i'll make soup with seaweed for dinner.
my bf asked me if i'm going to his place tonight, since he's sister is visiting (she lives in copenhagen and we rarely see her). i absolutely love his sister! she is so cool and fun to be with. and she never mentions my eating habits, though their family like very unhealthy food (at least according to my standards). i think she used to have eating troubles herself. anyway, i really want to see her, but i'm terrified of little bowls of colorful candy or plates of moist cake or crispy cookies. i think i will go after i've eaten my dinner. and then i'll bring a lot of tea and just say i'm not very hungry. i could c&s, but it's very hard to hide it. i actually think that my bf's mother once found some c&s'ed chocolate cake i'd hidden in a cup under my bf's bed, because i couldn't keep going to the bathroom. i really hope she didn't. at least she never mentioned it.

oh well. i have to get my workout started. so far i've just been sitting on my butt and moving hips and legs a bit to at least burn off a little bit. i must look absolutely ridiculous ^^.

i thought yesterday about what my main goal is. it's not a particular number on the scale, it's more of a wish to be remembered as 'that skinny girl' by my classmates and other people i meet. i'm graduating in a few months, so as far as the classmates i have to hurry up a bit.

before i go, here's some cutesy thinspo of sienna miller and keira knightley:

detox diet day 14.

08:16

okay, i'm back on track. i am not going to throw away weeks of restricting for a moment on the lips.
my body is doing fine, i don't need all that food. when other people sit in school eating huge sandwiches and buying cakes in the cafeteria i completely lose my appetite. i'm fine with small amounts.
i decided to step it up a little to get everything going again, so now i take 5 chlorella pills 3 times a day in stead of 3 and drink water, (diluted) fruit/berry juice or veggie juice in between meals in stead of solid food. i think i'm going to be okay. i just have to get into my head that it's all about choices. if i really choose to be skinny, i will be skinny eventually.

here is my eating plan for today.

breakfast:
- 5 chlorella pills and vitamins
- 1 glass of hot water w. juice from half a lemon
- water
- 100% applesauce w. 5 chopped almonds, 1 tablespoon of oats, a small amount of soy milk and lots of vanilla powder and cinnamon.

lunch:
- 5 chlorella pills
- salad w. small amount of salmon and avocado
- carrot sticks
- 2 rice crackers w. 100% strawberry jam

dinner:
- 5 chlorella pills
- 1 sachet miso soup (40kcal) w. seaweed

"snack" on:
- water
- herbal tea
- veggie juice
- fruit juice
- aronia berry juice

and if needed:
- 1 piece of veggie or fruit (cut into pieces and eaten very slowly - maybe distributed over the whole day)



stay strong, skinny and beautiful, ladies. and wish me luck.
and enjoy a little keira-liciousness:

detox diet day 12.

18:10

i've been doing ok, but yesterday something weird happened. i was riding my bike on the way to the gym, when i passed by a health store. everything from there is a blur. i got off the bike and came out of the shop later with 300g biscuits and rice biscotti (both dairy-, wheat- and sugar free) and a bottle of juice. in some sort of trance, i started munching the biscuits, even when i was back on the bike (!!) and i ate so many that i felt some of the chewed up biscuit mass clinging stickily to the back of my teeth. i went into the bathroom of the gym where i ate half the bag of rice biscotti and started drinking the juice. half way through the bottle i realized what i was doing. i stopped. i screwed the lid of the juice bottle back on and sat down on the floor, back against the wall, staring at the toilet in front of me. i felt like throwing up, but i didn't. i packed all the food down in my bag again, changed clothes and went down for my dance class. in a weird way i was surprised how skinny i looked in the wall-to-wall mirror as we moved to the music. what did i think, that i was going to gain weight the instant i binged? luckily, i binged on detox-friendly products, but it makes me sick how much i actually ate. when i was still stuffing myself with the crackers, i thought about buying a big jar of hazelnut butter to put on them thus making them taste more chocolatey. eww.. i loathe myself!

i thought about making the next week a liquid fast to make up for/punish myself for excess food eaten. but i don't know if i can do it. argh! any ideas?
she started exercising a lot as well. i was still skinnier than her last time we met, but the thought of her being better than me makes me sick. so i started running again. it is going pretty good.
the dinner thing with her went great. i managed to steer clear of no-no food and drink, such as wine and cake.


today is bad. so i'm cleaning up to keep active and keep my hands out of the fridge. i'm still following my detox diet, but i'm eating too much. i'm so close. i don't want to fuck it all up. help?

if i binge i will be fat - fat - fat! i already feel like this:

detox diet day 7.

10:16
one week down, two more to go!

it's all going fine. i was at the movies yesterday and snuck in a rice cracker w. at thin layer of peanutbutter and honey. i sat in the dark, watching the movie, smelling other people's candy and especially the licorice, but i just cracked little bites of my rice cracker and chewed it carefully.

today i have to go to work. that means i have to eat a little more, since i'm going to stand up all day, lift heavy boxes and doing the same movements over and over. sighh.. i only work sundays, but it's a full work day. my job is to pack fruit into boxes for a company that ships 'em out to other companies, kindergartens and offices. luckily as part of our pay, we each get to pack our own box of fruits to take home. i mostly bring home bananas (for ice lollies), oranges (for freshly squeezed juice) and apples (for snacks), but sometimes they have more exotic stuff, like mangos. mm. i looove mangos. my father often drives me to work if he's home. lately we've been arrive out there a little early, driving to a safe distance, switching seats and then he lets me drive around a little. i don't have a driver's license yet, so this is just fun and practice. and illegal, by the way. so schhh..
i know, i know, i'm 19 years old and i don't have a driver's license, but that's pretty normal in denmark. you can only get it after you've turned 18. personally, i don't mind waiting a bit before i take mine. i'm a senior at the gymnasium, i still live at home and i don't have my own car. plus, my father uses his car every day driving back and forth, since he works at a seminarium in another town.
i think i'll go work out a little before i leave. and pack a healthy lunch. and find my parka, 'cause it's friggin cold where we work.

but, before i leave. thinspo! today it's REAL girls:






marie. we used to go crazy together.




mette. one of my friends.




ann. old internet-buddy.







sarah, a girl at my school.







maja. one of the most beautiful girls i've ever known.