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12:15
today is the first day since i've known about the red bracelet that i felt truly worthy of wearing it.
the weight is still going down, slowly, but steadily and i love it. i went to the library yesterday to pick up books on history to prepare for my final exam, but ended up in the weight loss-aisle. i took home about four history-relevant books and about 10 ones on weight loss, eating disorders and fictional stories about anorexic or food-focused girls. i feel like such a teen, but i love reading those books even though they're poorly written. they offer both tips and thinspiration to me, even though that probably wasn't the authors intention. hehe.
today i've only eaten cherries. and i don't plan on taking in anything other than water and world history facts for the rest of the day.
they have no self discipline, no will power.
whipped cream cakes, gingerbread, giant beefsteaks.
i can resist.
they are not going to make me give in.
they are not going to beat me.
my mother puts up with everything.
i'm not going to put up with anything.
they are trying to tempt me with their poison.
there is poison in all the food, poison.
i will become infected if i eat it.
they are not going to stuff me.
i refuse to become fat and disgusting.
(...)
everyone is swelling up around me.
being fat is repulsive.
and their tits look like bloated balloons.
i will stay clean.
(...)
i can deal with anything.
i can control it all.
they are trying to feed me their bait.
but they can't tempt me.
i can withstand hunger and chill.
i am the strongest person in the world.
i don't cry. i'm not weak.
(...)
i'm thinner than the boys at my school.
thin is pure.
i am pure.
i'm not filthy like the others.
and i will never get filthy.
i am a sexless being.
sometimes it is hard.
but i don't complain.
it can be almost too hard.
but i still don't complain.
i refuse to be as feeble and spineless as them.
i refuse to whine like them.
i refuse to grow up, to become swollen.
refuse to become fat and whiny like a pig.
i am the strongest person in the entire world.
from little human by charlotte strandgaard.
09:02
- 1 grapefruit
- water
- 1 multivitamin
hi ladies. things are going great. i'm still down two or three pant sizes. i've rummaged through my closet and found my old favorite pair of skinny jeans, size 31 (eww!). am wearing them now, and there is nothing skinny about them. they've gotten so baggy that i can't possibly wear them without a belt. i feel so accomplished and successful at this point. and a bit disgusted with my former weight. i can't believe i thought i was slim back then.
clothes is for me a very effective motivation-tool. keep your old, large clothes to remind you of how far you've come and what you will go back to looking like if you give up ana, but also keep or buy skimpy tight tees as well as pants or shorts a few sizes down. you will want to be able to fit into them badly. especially since it's summer and these outfits are almost demanded.
i'm going to the roskilde festival in about a month and i'm a bit freaked. it usually means laziness in the sun, greasy food and loads of beer. luckily, i signed up to work there, so i will have three 8-hour working days where people won't be suspicious about what i eat. i also plan on dancing like there's no tomorrow at the concerts (especially yeahyeahyeahs) and packing my bags with pills, green tea extract, water and non-fat snacks like apple chips. i just hope i can hide it from the others. this is the downside about ana: once you're actually succeeding and getting real thin, people notice - and try to stop you. i hope this won't happen. it can't, i refuse to let it.
i've come this far and ain't nobody taking this away from me.
