bad news, good news.

17:54

recently, i've been having disturbances with my eyes. my vision has gotten a lot blurrier, i'm seeing spots, i've become extremely sensitive to daylight and i often have the a feeling like my eyes are coated with a thin layer of see-through fabric. and i know it's not a you-need-glasses-thing. it's an ana thing.

i have very low blood pressure, so passing out is unfortunately fairly easy for me, even on a full stomach. so when i starve myself, it gets a lot worse. and because of this eye-matter and my recent collapses while working out, i've decided i need to eat a little more. i'm not going to eat huge meals, i just put in a bit more protein in my diet. like an egg(white). i think it'll help, even though it sucks a bit to be forced to eat more because my crappy body craps out on me. that's the bad news.

the good news is:
i've dropped two pant sizes since january and i thought i'd have a wee jeans thinspo celebration:

trapped.

10:36

okay,
so i passed out two days ago at the gym and the gym people fed me juice and called for my mom to come pick me up. she kept asking if i ate enough and what i ate before i went down there, and at the same time she kept saying "it COULD be that you are just eating way to little, but i don't know". she kept accusing me and then kinda taking it back like she didn't want me to think was she was thinking: "you're having an eating disorder, aren't you?".
i was still kind of paralyzed and just answered in i-don't-know-grunts. i told her it might be exam stress. i thought she was buying it, but at home she made me eat a thick slice of bread with an enormous layer of butter and a bit of salt on it while she watched me. eww...

later in the evening when i felt better my sister came home to visit us. i was still on the couch, drinking loads of water and flipping through magazines, not trying to walk around too much. my mom apparently told her what happened, because she totally jumped on me and said that i should eat! she's always on me for eating too little. i think she's a bit jealous to be honest. she has an enormous appetite and then she feels guilty when she compared what the two of us eats.

big surprise: i didn't make the model audition thing and now i'm being watched wherever i go.
crap, crap, crap. i need help.

skinny bitch.

09:42

input:
- water, water, water
- green tea w. fresh mint herb
- slightly larger portion of faux chocolate mousse (am going to work out like there's no tomorrow)


today i'm supposed to be studying for my exam tomorrow, but i can't really sit still and focus on it. i have to walk around all the time or i'll get freaked out by gaining weight. the cleaning up my life is going well. yesterday i went to buy a lot of plants for my room. it always makes me happier when there's something green to look at. i wanted to get an orchid, but they were too friggin expensive, so i ended op buying lots of other stuff: a ginseng fig, an air cleaner, a coffee plant (yes!), ivy and a white rose with a raspberry-ish scent. mm.

has anyone had any experience with those skinny bitch books and workout dvds? i'm thinking of getting them for myself, i think the tough love attitude would work. none of that love-your-flabby-body-as-it-is-crap. i really need to get off my butt.

therefore, as mentioned in another post, i'm working on transfering a lot of thinspo-to-go (songs, pictures, videos) to my ipod and would be pleased if you'd share some of the thinspo that really works for you. i'd be so pleased and i can't really ask my bf to help me out, since he'll discover everything.

speaking of thinspo, there's an open casting for potential model wannabes in my town in two days. i don't feel very modelicious, but i would like to be. it could maybe be a good way of pushing myself if i decided to go. they'll probably tell me i'm too fat. maybe they would make me wanna give up on ana, make me go home and decide i'm too fat and always will be? or maybe i could build up will power enough in these two days to decide that this simply wouldn't happen. that i would be the skinniest bitch there. and i could always say no if they'd actually accept me, which might be a real thinspo and confidence boost.

hmm. open model casting in two days
- good idea or big mistake?



i'd sure like to actually be this in stead of just dreaming about it,
admiring it from a great distance:

schedule, schedule, schedule.

10:32

so far:
- 1 apple cut in 8 pieces
- faux chocolate mousse (mush together: 1 banana, 1 tsp peanut butter, 1 tsp coconut oil, loads and loads of cinnamon, pure vanilla and a bit of cardamom)
- 2 pots of green tea
- water

i'm quite busy at the moment because of exams. i'm graduating the 23th of june and then school will no longer be a spanner in the works with the constant sitting on your butt reading, writing, listening.
i have to get a job, though. a full time one. i want it to be time-consuming and active, maybe i'll wait tables at a busy café or something.


being thin is not really happening, since i keep losing my control because of exam stress. raargrrghh! so now i need to get back on track. i'm making a schedule of everything: the food i eat, my exercise, projects, thoughts, subjects i'm studying for & such. i've also been making be own personal list of being thin vs. being fat. i'd love to hear some of your reasons to be thin. i'll also like to know what thinspo music you listen too? i want to make a thinspo playlist on my ipod and listen to it while i work out, sit in the bus or study for my exams.


today i'll:
- attend yoga class.
- go for a run.
- clean my room.
- avoid eating.
- buy orchids for my room and other green plants.
- throw out everything i don't need, like old maths notes, dust-gathering things and clothes i'll never wear again.


i want to detox my entire existence. i want to make my room a place i really want to be, a happy place where i can focus on me and my goals without being disturbed by other people. i'm thinking of painting my room in a light, airy colour. i want my room to be a place i feel powerful and beautiful. i want it to radiate ana to me.
no excess burdens.
control.
lightness.
purity.
beauty.