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12:44
am now eating my first meal of the day, kind of a 'brunch' plate:
- hot water w. lemon juice.
- 1 vitamin/mineral pill.
- a colourful salad of 2 small carrots, 1 small banana, half an orange, 1 small nectarine and 12 little grapes w. 2 chopped walnuts, 2 tablespoons of plain bio yoghurt and a bit of cinnamon for topping.
i chew it all carefully and make sure it takes a while to eat. it's quite a big plate and it makes me full, since it contains carbs, but still a bit of fat and protein (walnuts and small amount of yoghurt). the cinnamon is said to be good for the metabolism? also, it tastes good. my plan for the rest of the day is eating beetroot and something very light for dinner. i'm gonna take a long walk soon & perhaps run.
am very pleased with what i see in the mirror today. i got up feeling good, got in the shower (singing! i only do that when i'm happy), lathered up, shaved intimate parts and let the water soften me up. when i got out, i took my time moisturizing (i always forget that) and really studied my body in the mirror. my ribs are now popping out under my breasts, my collarbone and hip bones are also quite visible and my tummy is flat, flat, flat. i felt so gorgeous and sexy that i immediately jumped in bed w. my boyfriend. and it's rarely me who take the initiative because i often feel uncomfortable being naked. but when i'm skinny, i love my body and feel like flaunting it. it's such a power. but i worry that i might be too thin for croquis modeling (you model naked for art school students in their classes of drawing the human body. it is important to have control over your body, since you're often asked to hold poses for up to 15 minutes and falling on your naked ass would be quite embarrassing).
i'm currently reading 'apple cheeks' by maria hirse, it's a book about her own eating disorder and it's meant to help young people put a stop to theirs. i find it helpful sometimes, but i'm a bit shameful to admit that i mostly use it for tips. sorry, maria. a little quotation from the book:
The flight home went good. There was a sweet young man sitting next to me, who entertained me for the entire flight. It was not long before he asked what I suffered from.
"It's something with my stomach", I said and looked away. Truth to be told, I didn't know what I was suffering from. I never met anyone who looked like me, and all I knew was that I no longer could control my thoughts about food. Carsten, the man next to me, gladly recieved my lunch dish except for an apple, which I cut in eight pieces. I'm not sure when the mania about cutting food into small bites actually began, but everything had to be cut out. The smaller the pieces, the better. To avoid looking too strange in public I limited the division, like now, to eight pieces. Even small pieces were chewed carefully and it often took me an hour to eat an apple.
thinspo of the day? daisy lowe:
11:31
- half a cup of coffee, couldn't finish.
- water.
- herbal tea.
- small cup yoghurt w. 1 tablespoon of brown rice.
- 'pancake' of 1 egg, 1 carrot and 1 beetroot.
- faux chocolate mousse of 1 banana, 1 tablespoon peanutbutter, a bit of cinnamon, pure vanilla and low-fat cocoa powder.
no school for me today. i'm home alone. my mom left me half a bun w. a thick layer of butter on it. i'm not gonna eat it. i'm gonna throw it out and leave a few crumbles on the plate, as if i ate it. yesterday i worked out a lot. and had pilates and dance class and biked to the gym and home. things are going well. am walking around in leggings and a white tank top, loving the flatness of my tummy. but i have a hard time losing weight on my hips and bum. i'm having a party in a week and i really want to outshine everyone.yesterday i visited her. she was sick and it seemed her 'banish sugar'-plan backfired; she had a little bowl of gummy bears, chewing gum and such on her table. i felt good. i didn't eat the food i was offered, i looked skinny and fresh faced. i just have to keep it up. i might as well work out while i'm home alone. no way am i gonna slack off all day and let the stuff i ate grow on my body. yuck. i will eat no more food today if i can escape it. veggies or salad (w. no dressing) are okay, though.
today i need real girl thinspo for motivation:
this girl has style, too! i would love a slightly similar shoulderbag, a chanel 2.55 if i had the money, to go with my bones.
13:13 (make a wish!)
so far:
- coffee
- water
- small cup of yoghurt w. a few raisins + almonds
- raw organic food protein bar
- banana
+ plan on eating some carrots
my competition is getting tougher. the girl i'm secretly competing against has taken up not eating sugar.
i accidentally gave her tips, saying alcohol was made of sugar and that the bugles she were munching probably had sugar in them as well. i - am - so - stupid! this better motivate me. i'm going running later. i keep telling myself i'm better than her and it kinda helps. my strategy is: eat veggies mostly, cut down on everything else, absolutely no sugar, but healthy snacks if needed.. such as apple chips!
i don't have a red bracelet yet, but am working on it. it has to be simple and not too noticeable. and i don't wanna do the whole red t-shirt every monday thing. yesterday at work, i tried to secretly observe one of my colleagues. she is quite thin, especially her face. she has that greyish skin color people can get when they don't eat, and i've never seen her throw herself over toasts, sausage, white bread and the rest of the horrible fatty foods they serve us for lunch. i chew & spit it sometimes. but it's become too disgusting, and it's very hard to hide with a bunch of people in your face all the time. so i started bringing my own food and tea. and then i eat fruit. i tried to spot if she had a red bracelet on, but i couldn't see it. i feel like talking to her. i'm almost sure she is anorexic og orthorexic. her teeth sticks out in a way that almost allows you to see the shape of her skull before you, her cheeks are a bit sunken, she brings her own food, usually rice crackers, fruit or veggies. and she chews every bite thoroughly. i want to talk to her.thinspo of the day: gemma ward!
09:19
today i plan on eating (the stuff i already ate/drank is italic):
breakfast:
- 6 dices of apple on top of small amount of müsli porridge (but didn't finish)
- hot water & lemon- a glass of water
mid-morning/lunch:
- 'active greens' raw organic food bar
- some grapes
- a few nuts/almonds
- 4 little carrots
- detox tea
- water
dinner (am going to helene from my class for her birthday dinner tonight. i hope it isn't pizza):
- hardly nothing of what's being served. i plan on eating mostly veggies.
i had insane tummy ache yesterday night. and it was still there this morning. i ate only a small amount of healthy food, i really had no appetite. it's about two hours since i ate breakfast and the pain have subsided a bit. i'm freaking out. i don't want to be sick. yesterday in dance class was fun, though. i saw a very skinny-looking girl who is my real life thinspo now. and there were a couple of fatties on the dance team.
i just felt strangely in the middle.
i just have to ask myself if i wanna look like a ballerina or a beanbag:
which would you rather be?
21:35
- 1 cup of coffee
- 1 scrambled egg
- freshly squeezed orange juice
- half a banana
- water
- green tea ice tea from the asian shop
- 3 pieces of ginger candy from the asian shop (oh, i love ginger candies! they're quite strong but they don't burn the mouth. sadly they contain sugar /: that's why i didn't eat the whole box. but they're chewy and delicious and definetely healthier than synthetic candy!)- 1 raw organic food bar (but split it w. boyfriend)
- vitamins
- small salad for dinnertoday is nice. i'm very happy. my american apparel longjohns got delivered this afternoon and i don't ever wanna take them off! they're so comfy and sexy. am definetely going to wear them for school tomorrow, paired with ankle boots, a big scarf and my leather jacket. i also bought this month's issue of i-D mazagine, which i absolutely adore because of all the fashion and amazing photographs. it's great thinspo, by the way. i almost pulled the carrie bradshaw "sometimes i would buy vogue in stead of dinner. i just felt it fed me more".
unfortunately this issue was a men's issue, but they had an interview and a 13-page spread w. my favorite female model, freja beha. she's half naked in the photos, which really show off her perfect, skinny figure. although she has a little too many tattoos for my taste.i also signed up for more classes at my gym + went running (but for very short bit. anyway it's okay, because my muscles are still sore from the gym yesterday. all of it! my legs, my bum, my inner thighs, my upper chest, my arms + my back. i absolutely rule!). tomorrow i have dance class at the gym. i convinced sofie to go with me so we could get in shape and laugh at ourselves and the overly energetic gym instructors. i love sofie. she is one of my good friends and i used to hang out with her back when i was at my skinniest state. she never mentioned it and we always had fun. she is such a good friend. the only problem is being stuck in food situations with her, like dinner at her place. she loves fatty foods, ice cream and candy, and her family often order in pizza or mcdonald's if they're too tired to cook. it is so dangerous for me. last time i saw her, i pulled it out somehow. we were watching a movie and opened a very big bag of mixed candy. i sat on the floor and she was on the bed behind me. every time i grabbed a handful of licorice or gummy-stuff i would chew it, be careful not to swallow it and secretly spit it out into my closed fist. i chewed and spitting until my hand was entirely full of a sticky, sweet-smelling, multicoloured paste. then i 'went to the bathroom', threw it in the toilet and washed my hands until the stickyness was gone. it was s0 disgusting and i felt awful doing it with sofie in the room, but on the other hand i was glad i didn't put all that sugar and artificial colouring in my body.chewing and spitting works for me, because i get to taste foods i really love, like licorice, but without making them fill me up. sometimes i also ask my food what it can do for my body. if it can do no good (besides the obvious pleasure of the moment it's in the mouth), i avoid it. that's a good strategy.
a moment on the lips, forever on the hips.
today i want to do it a little differently: reverse thinspo! what i really, really d o n ' t want to become, ever and why i worry about my body and what i put inside it:
15:37
am doing good so far, but dreading tonight's dinner at my bf's place (they have a thing for potatoes, gravy, candy & such, since his whole family never ever puts on weight and can eat whatever they want):
- water- half a cup of müsli mixed to porridge w. boiling water- 1 celery stick
- half a carrot
- some grapes
- half a banana- 1 plum- 1 small bag of apple chips (my new love: sweet and tasty w. absolutely no fat! it's just plain dried fuji apples)
- 1 egg
- a few cups of coffee
any ideas on how to avoid eating at dinner tonight? :/i have started eating a little more (but mostly veggies) because almost passed out at the gym last saturday. it was during my boxing class. i hadn't eaten as much breakfast as i should and before the class i ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. me and my boxing partner were practicing jabs and uppercuts, laughing and having a good time and suddenly i felt weak and dizzy, i couldn't focus my eyes and at one point i couldn't see anything. so i stopped. i sat down, drank water and breathed in very deep. the fitness instructor gave me a banana and ordered me to eat it immediately. and i did. afterwards i got dressed and bought a sugarfree berry-protein smoothie at juicestop. that was nice. i don't think boxing is for me.i recently found out that i apparently 'suffer from orthorexia' besides my ana-tendencies. i don't think i'm suffering, i just think a lot about what i eat in general. i also try to buy organic stuff. i'm not sure if it's a real diagnose like other eating disorders, but i don't feel like it's a disease for me, in my case it's more of a lifestyle.
i do obsess. about eating healthy and small amounts. but i obsess about a lot of things.
thinspo of the day? pj harvey:
10:49
- 1 small cup of plain yoghurt w. grinded flaxseeds.
- 3 prunes.
- small handful of raisins.
- 1 cup of red tea w. 2 slices of lemon
- 'pancake' of two egg whites, cinnamon and sweetener
- 2 rice cakes w. cheese
- 12 grapes
- a few slices of mango
(v. bad, i know, but am going to the gym later!)my exam tomorrow is stressing me out. my stomach is hurting.
i eat slowly, chew every bite thoroughly and sip tea in between the bites while watching 'green wing'. tonight one of my bf's buddies is having a birthday party. i'm not invited, 'cause i'm not that close with his friend, but she is. i know things probably won't happen and that he loves me, but i can't stand the thought of them being in the same room, being drunk, talking, even hugging each other to say hello/goodbye. this is infuriating. i hate being jealous. i think i'll just go work out and use my anger to really push myself.
on the bright side, i decided to throw a birthday afterall, but not one of those big dinners or all night drinking parties, none of that inviting people just because i should-crap. this time it's only my best friends. and we're going to the seaside to watch the sun rise, open up a bottle of champagne, then head back to my place for (healthy!) brunch, where i'll make sure not to eat all that much. i'm really looking forward to it! it's all very "marie antoinette" by sofia coppola, minus all the sugary pink cakes.
a new part of my obsession is: thighs + bum. i've always cared more about a flat tummy, but all of a sudden i feel my thighs swelling up whenever i eat or look at them. and i think i have a little cellulite. i'm not sure it's even that bad, but i obsess about it and bought this suction disc-thing and oil. it sounds absolutely ridiculous, but i wanna look my absolute best. therefore i need my thinspo! today it's victoria beckham:
would you look at those legs?
13:39
- 2 cups of black coffee w. a little cinnamon.
- freshly squeezed orange juice.
- lots of water.
- 1 cup of green tea w. a slice of lemon.
- 1 cigarette.- salad of 1 small apple, 12 seedless grapes, small handful of spinach leaves, 6 slices of mango,
1 tablespoon of citrus-flavored omega3-oil poured over the fruits as dressing.
am doing great. christmas was almost ruining my plans, but i put a stop to it. this new year'sresolution will last beyond the buzz of champagne! i - will - be - skinny! and i plan to avoid
things and people standing in my way. i have a little secret competition going; i want to be
skinnier and prettier than her. luckily she has been gaining a lot of weight, but i know she's
trying to lose it even though she pretends to be all confident and happy with herself. she's not.
i went shopping yesterday. it was amazing. i bought 2 pairs of jeans (i never go shopping for jeans,
because it always gets depressing. i usually wear leggings), 1 polo shirt, 1 fancy shirt and 1
dress-like, size xs (but oversize..) boat neck sweat shirt. i was so happy. all the clothes fit me so
nicely. if i feel so good at this size, losing a little more weight must be even better.skinnyness is my drug!
how do i keep motivated? it helps me stay focused, when i secretly compete with someone.
and of course looking at people who embody my goal. right now it's danish model freja beha.
i'm in love with her:
her body and face is perfection.
