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12:15
today is the first day since i've known about the red bracelet that i felt truly worthy of wearing it.
the weight is still going down, slowly, but steadily and i love it. i went to the library yesterday to pick up books on history to prepare for my final exam, but ended up in the weight loss-aisle. i took home about four history-relevant books and about 10 ones on weight loss, eating disorders and fictional stories about anorexic or food-focused girls. i feel like such a teen, but i love reading those books even though they're poorly written. they offer both tips and thinspiration to me, even though that probably wasn't the authors intention. hehe.
today i've only eaten cherries. and i don't plan on taking in anything other than water and world history facts for the rest of the day.
23:11
everything went great last friday. i felt so great and happy about myself and i wasn't even that hungry at the 3 hour long dinner with my class and parents and teachers. i ate a bit of salmon and avocado mousse and drank white wine, but nothing else went down. i got so many compliments for how i looked and my dress and i was home and in bed about four in the morning after we'd ditched the school and hit the town.
the bad thing is, i can tell i've been eating too little fat. my skin is very dry, red and flaky in the face, so the past days i've been taking in 2tbs of flax seed oil and some more nuts. it's already working.
the plan is now to look killer gorgeous and skinny in a bikini. and everything else, of course. i want to try the whole superfoods thing and just ordered some goji berries online and looked up some raw food recipes. i plan on making a lot of sushi, also just with veggies, fruit and veggie juices, herbal teas and safe, healthy foods to satisfy the sweet tooth without making me fat and disgusting. if i find something great, i'll blog some recipes.
i want to take up yoga again. it used to make me feel so good, but then all of a sudden it disappeared from the gym classes. bugger. but i found a great site with a little animation of a man doing the different poses, so you can be sure to do them correctly. www.abc-of-yoga.com <-- check it out!
anyway, here's a little two-piece thinspo for you:
22:33
am starting my detox diet tomorrow, and i'm feeling pretty confident about it. the idea is to avoid:
- red meat
- processed food and chemicals
- sugar
- rice, potatoes and wheat (whole-grain wheat and brown rice is okay, though)
- coffee (damn..)
- dairy
i told my parents i'll be going on this diet for the next three weeks, so they won't be suspicious that i'm not eating what they eat + when. i feel like a genius, am all excited about this. i shopped detox-friendly foods this week:
- chlorella algae pills (dose: 3-4 3 times a day, great for clearing out the system)- apple chips
- plain popcorn (no oil or salt)
- chili, cayenne and vanilla powder
- extra concentrated green tea
- veggies and veggie juice
- nuts
- fruits
- seaweed
- salad
- lemons- brown rice crackers
- vitamin pills
- tofu
- non-fat, non-sugar, non-dairy falafel mix
- & so on.
oh man, i have too much energy right now. i can't sleep. i'm excited about this diet and the next three weeks, knowing i'll have to use all of my strength to keep it. fasting, dieting and being ana is the ultimate test and example of one's will power. and i want to prove to myself and everyone else, that i really can do it. unfortunately, i have school test all next week. tomorrow is the first one. yikes. but i just have to focus, bring safe foods, lots of water, pop my pills and book lots of classes at the gym. oh. and she asked me and my bf to join her and her bf for some sort of couple dinner thing. i wanted to puke. but i planned the date to be around the 17th where i'm hopefully already way skinnier than her, plus, i successfully convinced her we should eat sushi. crisis averted!
hopefully-i-will-look-like-this-in-three-weeks-thinspo:
09:23
grmm.. overslept. am now eating breakfast of: eggs, smoked salmon + 2 melon slices.
i'm trying to make myself full early so i don't slip later in the afternoon. i plan on starting on a three-week-detox-thing. anyone want to join? it's hard to do it alone. it's three weeks of not eating wheat, dairy, red meat, sugar and chemicals in processed food. it's a really good diet when it comes to the results. i use it as a revenge diet to outshine other people. hm. that sounded a tad bitchy ^^. but seriously, it's all about choices. saying no thanks to unhealthy food is saying yes, please to being skinny. i must not forget.the diet is also a great test for one's will power and control, but it will be worth it all after the three weeks.beauty inside and out.
yesterday i c&s'ed for the first time in a long time. i decided to eat a slice of cake, then immediately changed my mind once i started chewing it. i spit it out, rolled it into some toilet paper and flushed it out. i'm a bit ashamed for wasting food my mother cooks. i know she would be angry if she knew. i feel disgusting when i do it, but afterwards i'm always relieved. i feel like i succeeded somehow.
oh, and i just bought the new york city ballet work-out dvd. i hope it will bring me closer to the body i want. and that i'm not too inflexible, of course. thinspo of the day: perfect body ballerinas!
it's so unfair..
15:01
my last fortune cookie said: "an action that required all your forces will pay." i took it as kind of a sign, and there is no way back now. ana will definitely pay off!
we have so many reasons to be skinny:
- we will be the envy of every girl.
- we will be ever so light and able to move effortlessly and gracefully.
- we will look like models, clothes will fit us better and our cheekbones will pop out.
- we will be walking proof of our control and our power of will.
- we will command the attention of every room we enter.
- we will individually be referred to as 'the skinny one'.
- we will be beautiful.
today i ate/drank a bowl of müsli, coffee, water and fruit. the skinny-mantras are helping already. tonight i'm going to visit her. and she won't be able to make me eat, i swear! ana is my secret weapon. i told my parents i'm eating at her place and i'll just tell her i'm eating at home.
i'm a genius. people are so easy.
09:19
today i plan on eating (the stuff i already ate/drank is italic):
breakfast:
- 6 dices of apple on top of small amount of müsli porridge (but didn't finish)
- hot water & lemon- a glass of water
mid-morning/lunch:
- 'active greens' raw organic food bar
- some grapes
- a few nuts/almonds
- 4 little carrots
- detox tea
- water
dinner (am going to helene from my class for her birthday dinner tonight. i hope it isn't pizza):
- hardly nothing of what's being served. i plan on eating mostly veggies.
i had insane tummy ache yesterday night. and it was still there this morning. i ate only a small amount of healthy food, i really had no appetite. it's about two hours since i ate breakfast and the pain have subsided a bit. i'm freaking out. i don't want to be sick. yesterday in dance class was fun, though. i saw a very skinny-looking girl who is my real life thinspo now. and there were a couple of fatties on the dance team.
i just felt strangely in the middle.
i just have to ask myself if i wanna look like a ballerina or a beanbag:
which would you rather be?
