looking forward to a skinny summer.

09:02

- 1 grapefruit
- water
- 1 multivitamin


hi ladies. things are going great. i'm still down two or three pant sizes. i've rummaged through my closet and found my old favorite pair of skinny jeans, size 31 (eww!). am wearing them now, and there is nothing skinny about them. they've gotten so baggy that i can't possibly wear them without a belt. i feel so accomplished and successful at this point. and a bit disgusted with my former weight. i can't believe i thought i was slim back then.
clothes is for me a very effective motivation-tool. keep your old, large clothes to remind you of how far you've come and what you will go back to looking like if you give up ana, but also keep or buy skimpy tight tees as well as pants or shorts a few sizes down. you will want to be able to fit into them badly. especially since it's summer and these outfits are almost demanded.

i'm going to the roskilde festival in about a month and i'm a bit freaked. it usually means laziness in the sun, greasy food and loads of beer. luckily, i signed up to work there, so i will have three 8-hour working days where people won't be suspicious about what i eat. i also plan on dancing like there's no tomorrow at the concerts (especially yeahyeahyeahs) and packing my bags with pills, green tea extract, water and non-fat snacks like apple chips. i just hope i can hide it from the others. this is the downside about ana: once you're actually succeeding and getting real thin, people notice - and try to stop you. i hope this won't happen. it can't, i refuse to let it.

i've come this far and ain't nobody taking this away from me.

detox diet day 4.

08:14
so far i'm absolutely ruling this diet. yesterday i went to the gym and before i biked home i stopped in at my favorite health store and bought some instant miso soup (about 40kcal per sachet), applesauce made of 100% apple, almond tea and soy whipped cream. i ate one sachet of miso soup for dinner and made myself a dessert of 50g applesauce and a bit of soy whipped cream topped with vanilla powder, cinnamon and 5 chopped almonds. yum. pure apple pie taste. i was also able to resist when my mom suddenly started making cheesecake yesterday. it looked delicious. with ground lemon peel in the cheese cream and berries on top. but i just sipped my almond tea and looked the other way. sometimes i find it helps to think of the food's way through the body if you want something that looks and smells great. how a beautiful little cake so quickly is smooshed around in the mouth, mixing with spit, sticking to the teeth. how the cake glides as a slimy ball to your stomach, how it's festering in the bowels, how it's turning into fat on your body and how it finally dumps out the other end. disgusting! it's an instant appetite-killer.

i've been wanting to try the whole counting calories thing. weighing everything before you eat it and calculating it has to be time consuming and appetite suppressing. here is what i plan on eating for today:

breakfast:
- water (0 kcal)
- 50g wheat free müsli (175 kcal) with
- 100g soy milk (35 kcal)

total: 210kcal.

lunch:
- water (0 kcal)
salad of
- 130g carrot (50,7 kcal)
- 140g apple (71,4 kcal)
- 35g celery(8,5 kcal)
- 115g lettuce (18,4 kcal)

total: 149 kcal.

dinner:
- water (o kcal)
- 100g home made falafel (316 kcal)
- seaweed salad (?)

total: 316-something kcal.

snacks:
- herbal teas (o kcal)
- a small banana from the gym (about 100 kcal) - but only if needed

total: 10o kcal.


total calorie intake for today = 775 kcal at the most.



this is great ! it makes it easier to stick to the what-to-eat-today-plan. i'm going to work out today as well. bike to the gym, have dance class and maybe pilates and bike home. i don't know how many calories that burns, but hopefully a lot if i exaggerate my movements and keep active.

here is some cute avoiding sweets thinspo ^^:

chew chew, spit spit.

09:23
grmm.. overslept. am now eating breakfast of: eggs, smoked salmon + 2 melon slices.
i'm trying to make myself full early so i don't slip later in the afternoon. i plan on starting on a three-week-detox-thing. anyone want to join? it's hard to do it alone. it's three weeks of not eating wheat, dairy, red meat, sugar and chemicals in processed food. it's a really good diet when it comes to the results. i use it as a revenge diet to outshine other people. hm. that sounded a tad bitchy ^^. but seriously, it's all about choices. saying no thanks to unhealthy food is saying yes, please to being skinny. i must not forget.
the diet is also a great test for one's will power and control, but it will be worth it all after the three weeks.
beauty inside and out.

yesterday i c&s'ed for the first time in a long time. i decided to eat a slice of cake, then immediately changed my mind once i started chewing it. i spit it out, rolled it into some toilet paper and flushed it out. i'm a bit ashamed for wasting food my mother cooks. i know she would be angry if she knew. i feel disgusting when i do it, but afterwards i'm always relieved. i feel like i succeeded somehow.

oh, and i just bought the new york city ballet work-out dvd. i hope it will bring me closer to the body i want. and that i'm not too inflexible, of course. thinspo of the day: perfect body ballerinas!








it's so unfair..

fortune cookie prophecy.

15:01

my last fortune cookie said: "an action that required all your forces will pay." i took it as kind of a sign, and there is no way back now. ana will definitely pay off!
we have so many reasons to be skinny:


- we will be the envy of every girl.
- we will be ever so light and able to move effortlessly and gracefully.
- we will look like models, clothes will fit us better and our cheekbones will pop out.
- we will be walking proof of our control and our power of will.
- we will command the attention of every room we enter.
- we will individually be referred to as 'the skinny one'.
- we will be beautiful.


today i ate/drank a bowl of müsli, coffee, water and fruit. the skinny-mantras are helping already. tonight i'm going to visit her. and she won't be able to make me eat, i swear! ana is my secret weapon. i told my parents i'm eating at her place and i'll just tell her i'm eating at home.
i'm a genius. people are so easy.

oishi.

21:35
- 1 cup of coffee
- 1 scrambled egg
- freshly squeezed orange juice
- half a banana
- water
- green tea ice tea from the asian shop
- 3 pieces of ginger candy from the asian shop (oh, i love ginger candies! they're quite strong but they don't burn the mouth. sadly they contain sugar /: that's why i didn't eat the whole box. but they're chewy and delicious and definetely healthier than synthetic candy!)
- 1 raw organic food bar (but split it w. boyfriend)
- vitamins
- small salad for dinner

today is nice. i'm very happy. my american apparel longjohns got delivered this afternoon and i don't ever wanna take them off! they're so comfy and sexy. am definetely going to wear them for school tomorrow, paired with ankle boots, a big scarf and my leather jacket. i also bought this month's issue of i-D mazagine, which i absolutely adore because of all the fashion and amazing photographs. it's great thinspo, by the way. i almost pulled the carrie bradshaw "sometimes i would buy vogue in stead of dinner. i just felt it fed me more".
unfortunately this issue was a men's issue, but they had an interview and a 13-page spread w. my favorite female model, freja beha. she's half naked in the photos, which really show off her perfect, skinny figure. although she has a little too many tattoos for my taste.

i also signed up for more classes at my gym + went running (but for very short bit. anyway it's okay, because my muscles are still sore from the gym yesterday. all of it! my legs, my bum, my inner thighs, my upper chest, my arms + my back. i absolutely rule!). tomorrow i have dance class at the gym. i convinced sofie to go with me so we could get in shape and laugh at ourselves and the overly energetic gym instructors. i love sofie. she is one of my good friends and i used to hang out with her back when i was at my skinniest state. she never mentioned it and we always had fun. she is such a good friend. the only problem is being stuck in food situations with her, like dinner at her place. she loves fatty foods, ice cream and candy, and her family often order in pizza or mcdonald's if they're too tired to cook. it is so dangerous for me. last time i saw her, i pulled it out somehow. we were watching a movie and opened a very big bag of mixed candy. i sat on the floor and she was on the bed behind me. every time i grabbed a handful of licorice or gummy-stuff i would chew it, be careful not to swallow it and secretly spit it out into my closed fist. i chewed and spitting until my hand was entirely full of a sticky, sweet-smelling, multicoloured paste. then i 'went to the bathroom', threw it in the toilet and washed my hands until the stickyness was gone. it was s0 disgusting and i felt awful doing it with sofie in the room, but on the other hand i was glad i didn't put all that sugar and artificial colouring in my body.
chewing and spitting works for me, because i get to taste foods i really love, like licorice, but without making them fill me up. sometimes i also ask my food what it can do for my body. if it can do no good (besides the obvious pleasure of the moment it's in the mouth), i avoid it. that's a good strategy.
a moment on the lips, forever on the hips.


today i want to do it a little differently: reverse thinspo! what i really, really d o n ' t want to become, ever and why i worry about my body and what i put inside it: