i have a certain pair of black high-waist shorts.
whenever i'm skinny enough to fit into them without struggling,
i feel good about myself.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
who likes short shorts?
23:30
i have a certain pair of black high-waist shorts.
whenever i'm skinny enough to fit into them without struggling,
i feel good about myself.
i have a certain pair of black high-waist shorts.
whenever i'm skinny enough to fit into them without struggling,
i feel good about myself.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
i'm still here.
16:33
sorry for not posting for what seems like forever. back in school after our spring break one of my classmates, m, told us that his father just killed himself. the day before, m's mother had walked into a room to find her husband hanging by his neck, lifeless, limp. i never knew m's father, but i found myself enormously upset when i heard this. i cried all day at school and couldn't focus on anything. learning about german grammar, the french revolution and oscar wilde all seemed so pointless. death has always been a very hard thing for me to deal with. i kind of can't. i don't know why, but it's always been like that. i went to the funeral later with some of my other classmates. it was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, the sermon was fine and nice things were said about peter, that was his name. i was sad all along, of course, but i thought i was doing quite well considering i really can't deal with funerals. but i completely cracked at the end of the church ceremony where m, his little brother, his mother and some of the closest family carried the coffin down the aisle, out of the church. it was too horrible. but it was a quite beautiful ceremony all in all and m is doing quite well considering the circumstances. he is very strong and he's been coming to school every day since the funeral. i bet i couldn't. i'd be curled up in a ball on the floor, screaming, crying and losing my mind, i think.
i'm still quite focused on my weight, but this whole tragedy has messed me up and brought my anxiety back to life. i have to see my shrink again and deal with my fears about death and getting ill. i don't know why i'm so afraid of that. i'm terrified of becoming ill and paradoxically enough i do have a sickness with my food obsession, but i cling to it and i'm not willing to let it go. i know that it can kill me in the end, but i refuse to recover fully from it. i might have periods of eating 'normally', but it always comes back. and i actually love it. i fear sicknesses, yet i'm consciously focused on exercise, on my diet, starving myself or eating extremely healthy foods, i'm thrilled to discover i've moved down a pant size, thrilled to discover lower numbers on the scales, thrilled to feel and be able to see my ribcage and hipbones through my skin stretched tightly across them.
sorry for not posting for what seems like forever. back in school after our spring break one of my classmates, m, told us that his father just killed himself. the day before, m's mother had walked into a room to find her husband hanging by his neck, lifeless, limp. i never knew m's father, but i found myself enormously upset when i heard this. i cried all day at school and couldn't focus on anything. learning about german grammar, the french revolution and oscar wilde all seemed so pointless. death has always been a very hard thing for me to deal with. i kind of can't. i don't know why, but it's always been like that. i went to the funeral later with some of my other classmates. it was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, the sermon was fine and nice things were said about peter, that was his name. i was sad all along, of course, but i thought i was doing quite well considering i really can't deal with funerals. but i completely cracked at the end of the church ceremony where m, his little brother, his mother and some of the closest family carried the coffin down the aisle, out of the church. it was too horrible. but it was a quite beautiful ceremony all in all and m is doing quite well considering the circumstances. he is very strong and he's been coming to school every day since the funeral. i bet i couldn't. i'd be curled up in a ball on the floor, screaming, crying and losing my mind, i think.
i'm still quite focused on my weight, but this whole tragedy has messed me up and brought my anxiety back to life. i have to see my shrink again and deal with my fears about death and getting ill. i don't know why i'm so afraid of that. i'm terrified of becoming ill and paradoxically enough i do have a sickness with my food obsession, but i cling to it and i'm not willing to let it go. i know that it can kill me in the end, but i refuse to recover fully from it. i might have periods of eating 'normally', but it always comes back. and i actually love it. i fear sicknesses, yet i'm consciously focused on exercise, on my diet, starving myself or eating extremely healthy foods, i'm thrilled to discover i've moved down a pant size, thrilled to discover lower numbers on the scales, thrilled to feel and be able to see my ribcage and hipbones through my skin stretched tightly across them.
Monday, March 30, 2009
bikini kill.
23:11
everything went great last friday. i felt so great and happy about myself and i wasn't even that hungry at the 3 hour long dinner with my class and parents and teachers. i ate a bit of salmon and avocado mousse and drank white wine, but nothing else went down. i got so many compliments for how i looked and my dress and i was home and in bed about four in the morning after we'd ditched the school and hit the town.
the bad thing is, i can tell i've been eating too little fat. my skin is very dry, red and flaky in the face, so the past days i've been taking in 2tbs of flax seed oil and some more nuts. it's already working.
the plan is now to look killer gorgeous and skinny in a bikini. and everything else, of course. i want to try the whole superfoods thing and just ordered some goji berries online and looked up some raw food recipes. i plan on making a lot of sushi, also just with veggies, fruit and veggie juices, herbal teas and safe, healthy foods to satisfy the sweet tooth without making me fat and disgusting. if i find something great, i'll blog some recipes.
i want to take up yoga again. it used to make me feel so good, but then all of a sudden it disappeared from the gym classes. bugger. but i found a great site with a little animation of a man doing the different poses, so you can be sure to do them correctly. www.abc-of-yoga.com <-- check it out!
anyway, here's a little two-piece thinspo for you:
everything went great last friday. i felt so great and happy about myself and i wasn't even that hungry at the 3 hour long dinner with my class and parents and teachers. i ate a bit of salmon and avocado mousse and drank white wine, but nothing else went down. i got so many compliments for how i looked and my dress and i was home and in bed about four in the morning after we'd ditched the school and hit the town.
the bad thing is, i can tell i've been eating too little fat. my skin is very dry, red and flaky in the face, so the past days i've been taking in 2tbs of flax seed oil and some more nuts. it's already working.
the plan is now to look killer gorgeous and skinny in a bikini. and everything else, of course. i want to try the whole superfoods thing and just ordered some goji berries online and looked up some raw food recipes. i plan on making a lot of sushi, also just with veggies, fruit and veggie juices, herbal teas and safe, healthy foods to satisfy the sweet tooth without making me fat and disgusting. if i find something great, i'll blog some recipes.
i want to take up yoga again. it used to make me feel so good, but then all of a sudden it disappeared from the gym classes. bugger. but i found a great site with a little animation of a man doing the different poses, so you can be sure to do them correctly. www.abc-of-yoga.com <-- check it out!
anyway, here's a little two-piece thinspo for you:
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
detox diet day 16.
11:12
hi guys.
i thought it might be time for a little ID.. this is me right now, tuesday the 24th of march '09. i'm not at all at my lowest weight, but getting there and hopefully even lower:
that's all.. stay strong !
-r.
hi guys.
i thought it might be time for a little ID.. this is me right now, tuesday the 24th of march '09. i'm not at all at my lowest weight, but getting there and hopefully even lower:
that's all.. stay strong !
-r.
Monday, March 23, 2009
detox diet day 15.
08:45
getting so close! today i got up at 07:00 and decided to skip my 08:00 design class to do a bit of moving around. then later i logged in to the school's webpage to see when i had to go up there to luckily discover that my history teacher is sick for the day. that means i don't have to be up there 'till 11:45 ! it also mean plenty of work out time.
today - before school - i plan to:
- run for at least 15-20 minutes.
- upper chest work out (i hope to have at least a little cleavage in my dress on friday.
- NYC ballet workout on DVD
i love the NYC ballet workout, but i can't do it with people watching. our DVD player is in the living room and everyone's always home. but now i'm all alone, i can stay somewhat empty and do my workouts in peace. yaay! i'm going to take a long shower and bike to school afterwards.
today, so far i've eaten 100g applesauce w. 1 tablespoon of oats, a bit of soy milk and a lot of cinnamon in it. i've been popping the pills and drinking water and green tea. for the rest of the day i plan on mostly drinking diluted juices, eating veggies and a frozen banana. i think i'll make soup with seaweed for dinner.
my bf asked me if i'm going to his place tonight, since he's sister is visiting (she lives in copenhagen and we rarely see her). i absolutely love his sister! she is so cool and fun to be with. and she never mentions my eating habits, though their family like very unhealthy food (at least according to my standards). i think she used to have eating troubles herself. anyway, i really want to see her, but i'm terrified of little bowls of colorful candy or plates of moist cake or crispy cookies. i think i will go after i've eaten my dinner. and then i'll bring a lot of tea and just say i'm not very hungry. i could c&s, but it's very hard to hide it. i actually think that my bf's mother once found some c&s'ed chocolate cake i'd hidden in a cup under my bf's bed, because i couldn't keep going to the bathroom. i really hope she didn't. at least she never mentioned it.
oh well. i have to get my workout started. so far i've just been sitting on my butt and moving hips and legs a bit to at least burn off a little bit. i must look absolutely ridiculous ^^.
i thought yesterday about what my main goal is. it's not a particular number on the scale, it's more of a wish to be remembered as 'that skinny girl' by my classmates and other people i meet. i'm graduating in a few months, so as far as the classmates i have to hurry up a bit.
before i go, here's some cutesy thinspo of sienna miller and keira knightley:
getting so close! today i got up at 07:00 and decided to skip my 08:00 design class to do a bit of moving around. then later i logged in to the school's webpage to see when i had to go up there to luckily discover that my history teacher is sick for the day. that means i don't have to be up there 'till 11:45 ! it also mean plenty of work out time.
today - before school - i plan to:
- run for at least 15-20 minutes.
- upper chest work out (i hope to have at least a little cleavage in my dress on friday.
- NYC ballet workout on DVD
i love the NYC ballet workout, but i can't do it with people watching. our DVD player is in the living room and everyone's always home. but now i'm all alone, i can stay somewhat empty and do my workouts in peace. yaay! i'm going to take a long shower and bike to school afterwards.
today, so far i've eaten 100g applesauce w. 1 tablespoon of oats, a bit of soy milk and a lot of cinnamon in it. i've been popping the pills and drinking water and green tea. for the rest of the day i plan on mostly drinking diluted juices, eating veggies and a frozen banana. i think i'll make soup with seaweed for dinner.
my bf asked me if i'm going to his place tonight, since he's sister is visiting (she lives in copenhagen and we rarely see her). i absolutely love his sister! she is so cool and fun to be with. and she never mentions my eating habits, though their family like very unhealthy food (at least according to my standards). i think she used to have eating troubles herself. anyway, i really want to see her, but i'm terrified of little bowls of colorful candy or plates of moist cake or crispy cookies. i think i will go after i've eaten my dinner. and then i'll bring a lot of tea and just say i'm not very hungry. i could c&s, but it's very hard to hide it. i actually think that my bf's mother once found some c&s'ed chocolate cake i'd hidden in a cup under my bf's bed, because i couldn't keep going to the bathroom. i really hope she didn't. at least she never mentioned it.
oh well. i have to get my workout started. so far i've just been sitting on my butt and moving hips and legs a bit to at least burn off a little bit. i must look absolutely ridiculous ^^.
i thought yesterday about what my main goal is. it's not a particular number on the scale, it's more of a wish to be remembered as 'that skinny girl' by my classmates and other people i meet. i'm graduating in a few months, so as far as the classmates i have to hurry up a bit.
before i go, here's some cutesy thinspo of sienna miller and keira knightley:
Sunday, March 22, 2009
detox diet day 14.
08:16
okay, i'm back on track. i am not going to throw away weeks of restricting for a moment on the lips.
my body is doing fine, i don't need all that food. when other people sit in school eating huge sandwiches and buying cakes in the cafeteria i completely lose my appetite. i'm fine with small amounts.
i decided to step it up a little to get everything going again, so now i take 5 chlorella pills 3 times a day in stead of 3 and drink water, (diluted) fruit/berry juice or veggie juice in between meals in stead of solid food. i think i'm going to be okay. i just have to get into my head that it's all about choices. if i really choose to be skinny, i will be skinny eventually.
here is my eating plan for today.
breakfast:
- 5 chlorella pills and vitamins
- 1 glass of hot water w. juice from half a lemon
- water
- 100% applesauce w. 5 chopped almonds, 1 tablespoon of oats, a small amount of soy milk and lots of vanilla powder and cinnamon.
lunch:
- 5 chlorella pills
- salad w. small amount of salmon and avocado
- carrot sticks
- 2 rice crackers w. 100% strawberry jam
dinner:
- 5 chlorella pills
- 1 sachet miso soup (40kcal) w. seaweed
"snack" on:
- water
- herbal tea
- veggie juice
- fruit juice
- aronia berry juice
and if needed:
- 1 piece of veggie or fruit (cut into pieces and eaten very slowly - maybe distributed over the whole day)
stay strong, skinny and beautiful, ladies. and wish me luck.
and enjoy a little keira-liciousness:
okay, i'm back on track. i am not going to throw away weeks of restricting for a moment on the lips.
my body is doing fine, i don't need all that food. when other people sit in school eating huge sandwiches and buying cakes in the cafeteria i completely lose my appetite. i'm fine with small amounts.
i decided to step it up a little to get everything going again, so now i take 5 chlorella pills 3 times a day in stead of 3 and drink water, (diluted) fruit/berry juice or veggie juice in between meals in stead of solid food. i think i'm going to be okay. i just have to get into my head that it's all about choices. if i really choose to be skinny, i will be skinny eventually.
here is my eating plan for today.
breakfast:
- 5 chlorella pills and vitamins
- 1 glass of hot water w. juice from half a lemon
- water
- 100% applesauce w. 5 chopped almonds, 1 tablespoon of oats, a small amount of soy milk and lots of vanilla powder and cinnamon.
lunch:
- 5 chlorella pills
- salad w. small amount of salmon and avocado
- carrot sticks
- 2 rice crackers w. 100% strawberry jam
dinner:
- 5 chlorella pills
- 1 sachet miso soup (40kcal) w. seaweed
"snack" on:
- water
- herbal tea
- veggie juice
- fruit juice
- aronia berry juice
and if needed:
- 1 piece of veggie or fruit (cut into pieces and eaten very slowly - maybe distributed over the whole day)
stay strong, skinny and beautiful, ladies. and wish me luck.
and enjoy a little keira-liciousness:
Friday, March 20, 2009
detox diet day 12.
18:10
i've been doing ok, but yesterday something weird happened. i was riding my bike on the way to the gym, when i passed by a health store. everything from there is a blur. i got off the bike and came out of the shop later with 300g biscuits and rice biscotti (both dairy-, wheat- and sugar free) and a bottle of juice. in some sort of trance, i started munching the biscuits, even when i was back on the bike (!!) and i ate so many that i felt some of the chewed up biscuit mass clinging stickily to the back of my teeth. i went into the bathroom of the gym where i ate half the bag of rice biscotti and started drinking the juice. half way through the bottle i realized what i was doing. i stopped. i screwed the lid of the juice bottle back on and sat down on the floor, back against the wall, staring at the toilet in front of me. i felt like throwing up, but i didn't. i packed all the food down in my bag again, changed clothes and went down for my dance class. in a weird way i was surprised how skinny i looked in the wall-to-wall mirror as we moved to the music. what did i think, that i was going to gain weight the instant i binged? luckily, i binged on detox-friendly products, but it makes me sick how much i actually ate. when i was still stuffing myself with the crackers, i thought about buying a big jar of hazelnut butter to put on them thus making them taste more chocolatey. eww.. i loathe myself!
i thought about making the next week a liquid fast to make up for/punish myself for excess food eaten. but i don't know if i can do it. argh! any ideas?
she started exercising a lot as well. i was still skinnier than her last time we met, but the thought of her being better than me makes me sick. so i started running again. it is going pretty good.
the dinner thing with her went great. i managed to steer clear of no-no food and drink, such as wine and cake.
today is bad. so i'm cleaning up to keep active and keep my hands out of the fridge. i'm still following my detox diet, but i'm eating too much. i'm so close. i don't want to fuck it all up. help?
if i binge i will be fat - fat - fat! i already feel like this:
i've been doing ok, but yesterday something weird happened. i was riding my bike on the way to the gym, when i passed by a health store. everything from there is a blur. i got off the bike and came out of the shop later with 300g biscuits and rice biscotti (both dairy-, wheat- and sugar free) and a bottle of juice. in some sort of trance, i started munching the biscuits, even when i was back on the bike (!!) and i ate so many that i felt some of the chewed up biscuit mass clinging stickily to the back of my teeth. i went into the bathroom of the gym where i ate half the bag of rice biscotti and started drinking the juice. half way through the bottle i realized what i was doing. i stopped. i screwed the lid of the juice bottle back on and sat down on the floor, back against the wall, staring at the toilet in front of me. i felt like throwing up, but i didn't. i packed all the food down in my bag again, changed clothes and went down for my dance class. in a weird way i was surprised how skinny i looked in the wall-to-wall mirror as we moved to the music. what did i think, that i was going to gain weight the instant i binged? luckily, i binged on detox-friendly products, but it makes me sick how much i actually ate. when i was still stuffing myself with the crackers, i thought about buying a big jar of hazelnut butter to put on them thus making them taste more chocolatey. eww.. i loathe myself!
i thought about making the next week a liquid fast to make up for/punish myself for excess food eaten. but i don't know if i can do it. argh! any ideas?
she started exercising a lot as well. i was still skinnier than her last time we met, but the thought of her being better than me makes me sick. so i started running again. it is going pretty good.
the dinner thing with her went great. i managed to steer clear of no-no food and drink, such as wine and cake.
today is bad. so i'm cleaning up to keep active and keep my hands out of the fridge. i'm still following my detox diet, but i'm eating too much. i'm so close. i don't want to fuck it all up. help?
if i binge i will be fat - fat - fat! i already feel like this:
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